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My Wife’s Chest Is Like Bathroom Slippers, Man Tells Court

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Photo: TRIBUNE Online

In what that can only be described as a mix of courtroom drama and stand-up comedy, a 54-year-old Lusaka man of Zambia, at the Matero Court, shocked everyone when he gave testimony about his marriage challenges.

The man, who might soon need witness protection from his wife, blamed her aging body and his “biological programming” for his wandering eyes.

“My Lord, I’m a victim here,” he began, adjusting his tie like a man about to plead for his life.

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“I look at my wife in bed, and I feel like I’m sleeping next to my fellow man!”

According to Zambia Observer, gasps filled the room, followed by stifled laughter when he added, “Her chest is like bathroom slippers, and her belly looks like a zebra!

READ ALSO: Woman Prays Court For Custody Of 14-year-old Daughter

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The judge, trying hard to suppress a smile, asked, “So you’re saying motherhood and time have ‘ruined’ her beauty? Is that your excuse?”

Before he could respond, murmurs of “Awe sure!” and “Yaba!” spread through the courtroom.

Where is the beautiful woman I married 18 years ago?

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“This one here… eh, my Lord, I can’t!” he declared, dramatically shaking his head like a man forced to eat nshima without relish.

The women in the gallery exchanged looks that screamed, “This man needs deliverance!”

READ ALSO: Court Dissolves 4-year-old Marriage Over Wife’s Bad Character

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But he wasn’t done. “It’s not my fault. All men are born with this virus of ch-tng! It’s in our blood!” he exclaimed, pounding his chest for effect.

The courtroom erupted with laughter, and one woman shouted from the back, “Boss, if it’s a virus, then you need a vaccine called manners!”

Another lady, clearly unimpressed, added, “Before you talk about bathroom slippers, show us your six-pack. Oh, sorry, I meant your one-pack!”

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The man looked flustered, but he stuck to his argument, claiming women should “accept us as we are because that’s how God made us.”

The judge, barely able to keep a straight face, delivered a lesson: “Marriage is not about six-packs or zebra-free bellies.

READ ALSO: Trump’s 8-point Tax Provision In US Revealed

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“It’s about love, respect, and appreciating the sacrifices your partner makes.”

He added, “And sir, maybe look in the mirror before calling someone ‘rusty.’ You’re not exactly shiny yourself!”

As the court adjourned, women outside were heard saying, “Zebra belly? That’s called stripes of motherhood—he should kneel down and thank her!”

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One man whispered, “Eh, this guy has ended his marriage today. Someone call the fire brigade for his house tonight!”

The case might not have had a legal ruling, but it left the nation with one undeniable fact: Zambian humor, like love, knows no bounds!
(TRIBUNE)

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Ex-convict Arrested In Edo For Armed Robbery, Possession Of Firearm

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The Edo State Security Corps (ESSC) has arrested a 45-year-old ex-convict, Owen Osas, for alleged unlawful possession of firearms and suspected involvement in a robbery incident.

Osas was reportedly arrested with a cut-to-size single-barrel gun during a covert operation along Fishpond Road in Eyean, Uhunmwonde Local Government Area.

The arrest reportedly comes barely a year after he was released from prison, where he had served time for illegal possession of firearms and other criminal offences.

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Osas, who confessed to the latest crime, also admitted to being a member of the Eiye Confraternity.

READ ALSO:Tragedy As Suspected Kidnappers Kill Young Entrepreneur In Edo

Consequently, a victim of an alleged robbery incident, Reginia Izy, identified Osas as the person who robbed her a day before his arrest.

The victim narrated that the suspect had approached her residence around 8 p.m., pretending to be familiar before carrying out the attack.

‎The Deputy Commander Operations of ESSC, Richard Balogun, said the arrest was part of intensified efforts to rid Edo State of criminal elements.

READ ALSO:Edo South Senatorial Seat: Nothing Wrong Seeking Wike’s Support – Ogbeide-Ihama

‎Balogun explained that operatives conduct both overt patrols and covert operations to track and apprehend suspects.

He said, ‎“Our men are always on patrol. Some operate in plain clothes as part of covert strategies, while others are stationed at strategic locations.

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“Osas, who is a former convict, was arrested with firearms and he also confessed to be a member of the Eiye Confraternity.”

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Gunmen Kidnap Businessman In Ibadan

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Gunmen suspected to be kidnappers have abducted a 60-year-old man in Ibadan, the Oyo State capital.

The victim was kidnapped on Saturday while on his way to his residence.

The incident occurred at Jinarere, Alakia in Ibadan.

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Public Relations Officer of the State Police command, Olayinka Ayanlade, when contacted, confirmed the incident.

READ ALSO:Gunmen Abduct 60-year-old Trader In Oyo

Ayanlade in a statement made available to DAILY POST on Sunday, explained that efforts are ongoing to rescue the victim.

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Ayanlade said, “Preliminary information reveals that the victim, a 60-year-old male and building materials trader, was accosted while returning home along the Jinarere axis of Alakia Road by four masked armed men, who forcefully whisked him away in an unregistered ash-coloured Toyota Corolla vehicle”.

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Tragedy As Suspected Kidnappers Kill Young Entrepreneur In Edo

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A 30-year-old entrepreneur and CEO of Principle Takeout, Justice Abu Oshioke, has been killed by suspected kidnappers in Ekpoma, Esan West Local Government Area of Edo State.

He was reportedly attacked by the suspected kidnappers on Saturday while on his way to pick up an order made for his child’s dedication on Sunday morning.

Eyewitnesses said the attackers attempted to force him into a nearby bush in a kidnapping attempt. However, he reportedly resisted and tried to escape.

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READ ALSO:Senatorial Seat: Ogbakha-Edo Warns Against Imposition Of Candidates In Edo South

In the course of the struggle, the assailants opened fire, shooting him multiple times.

Concerned residents quickly rushed him to a nearby medical facility, but he was confirmed dead on arrival.

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The deceased was said to have recently gotten married and welcomed a baby boy.

The tragic event has turned a joyous occasion into a moment of grief for the family.

READ ALSO:Edo NLC Divided Over May Day Celebration

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The shocking development has left the Ekpoma community in deep sorrow, with many residents expressing outrage over the growing insecurity in the area.

Edo State Police Command’s spokesperson, Eno Ikoedem confirmed the incident and said the Commissioner of Police, Monday Agbonika has ordered a “full-scale investigation and intensified manhunt for those responsible.” 

According to her, the Police, in collaboration with the military, local vigilantes, and hunters, are actively pursuing the perpetrators through coordinated operations.

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