News

OPINION: Maggoty Senate And Rotten Judiciary

Published

2 years ago

June 23, 2023

Tunde Odesola

C-o-o-u-u-r-r-t-t!!! Yekinni, the court clerk, yelled like someone grabbed by the balls. Everybody inside the Court-of-A-Piss jumped to their feet. This is Her Lordship’s Court. She’s a beautiful, no-nonsense High Priest in the Temple of Justice. Everybody respects her because she’s formidable, courageous, intelligent and connected.

Devotees in the Temple of Justice look to the door of the inner chamber, expecting Her Lordship to emerge, but she took some time in making her entry. Lawyers, litigants, journalists, clerks, etc remain standing, however.

In a fleeting moment, a phone’s ringtone pierces the solemn air, “Wahala! Wahala! Wahala! Zah Zoo! Zeh before dem nab you, Madam Zehnab! Akoi fura!”

(Silence)

Her Lordship steps out of her chamber in judicial majesty – long, black robe signifying the blindness of justice; her golden wig symbolises both an air of anonymity and an assurance that Milord is nonpartisan. She bows to the court, the court bows back.

Clerk: The first case before this honourable court today is the case with Suit Number AD/321BC/2023, involving a point-and-kill incident in the Maraba district of Abuja, the Federal Capital Territory, filed by Mallam Mai Chutta against Mallam Audu. Mallam Mai Chutta!

Mai Chutta: Yes, mai Load! (Enters the dock)

Clerk: Mallam Audu!

Audu: Yes, mai Lude! (Enters the dock)

Clerk: Appearances.

A senior lawyer stands up, introduces himself, and announces his appearance for Mallam Mai Chutta. I’m Chief I.K.A Ajanlekoko, appearing for the plainthief, my lord.

Clerk: Looks in the direction of Audu.

Audu: I’m appearing por my sef! I no get am for money to haya a loyah.

A Senior Advocate of the Masses, Chief Fawehinmi, stands up and introduces himself as a friend of the court, who is willing to appear for Audu pro bono.

Clerk: (Reads the charge) It has been brought to the notice of this honourable court that you, Mallam Audu, on the 29th of May, 2023, at 19:00 hours, went to Chop-and-Quench Restaurant owned by Mallam Chutta. That you pointed to a live fish to be killed and made into pepper soup for you. That after eating the steamy full plate of N3,000 pepper soup and drinking a bottle of beer costing N600, you refused to pay for the pepper soup and the beer, thereby committing an offence contrary to the Criminal Code Act of the Federal Capital Territory, punishable with a fine of N500,000 and, or a jail term of 10 years. Guilty or not guilty?

Audu: I no guilty, mai Lude.

Fawehinmi: My Lord, I daresay that this suit is ill-conceived, embarrassing, wicked and ungodly! How does the plainthief expect a man who ordered a N3,000 plate of pepper soup and a bottle of cold beer for N600 to pay N15,000 because while the fish was being prepared, the President announced the removal of fuel subsidy? I rely on the Principle of Estoppel which says you can’t change the terms of a contract midstream without a rational cause.

FROM THE AUTHOR: Ooni: The Public Displays Of A King (2) [OPINION]

Ajanlekoko: (Interjects Fawehinmi) Milord, my client relies on the provisions of the Freedom of Contract, which gives the leeway for him to increase his prices at will, coupled with the fact that the presidential pronouncement of fuel subsidy removal is tantamount to executive fiat.

(A murmur sweeps through the court) The phone rings again, “Wahala! Wahala! Wahala! Zah Zoo! Zeh before dem Nab you, Madam Zehnab!” The judge brings down her gavel, ‘Gbam!’

Ajanlekoko: My client is ready to supply your chamber with a similar plate of pepper soup and cold beer, for you to determine if the N15,000 price charged is appropriate or not.

Her Lordship: Ok. I’ll await the supply in my chamber. Please, add garlic and ginger, no salt. I rise for a short adjournment, the court will reconvene in two hours!

(She strikes her gavel down the table)

Clerk: C-o-o-u-u-r-r-t-t!!!

(The phone rang again, “Wahala! Wahala! Wahala! Zah Zoo! Zeh before dem Nab you, Madam Zehnab!”)

(Court reconvenes after two hours)

Fawehinmi: My Lord, I plead with your honour to strike this frivolous suit out and fine the plainthief for damages occasioned by harassment, psychological trauma, time loss and embarrassment. You cannot increase the price of commodities just because you heard a presidential speech. It’s wrong. What changed between the time the customer ordered the fish and when the order was prepared?

Ajanlekoko: Your Honour, milord. Prices changed! The defendant should have asked for the new prices while eating because the presidential broadcast was aired live on radio and TV. He can’t claim to be unaware. He should’ve known prices will change.

FROM THE AUTHOR: Ooni: The Public Displays Of A King (1) [OPINION]

(Murmur in court)

(The gavel sounds. Absolute silence in court)

Her Lordship: (Clears her throat) Here’s my judgement. Having tasted the delicious pepper soup and chilled beer, this honourable court will affirm the technical aspect of the law over the substantive aspect. It’s wicked of any customer to eat such a delicious meal and wash it down with cold beer, and expect not to pay any amount demanded by Chop-and-Quench Restaurant. I hereby find the defendant guilty on all counts. He will pay the fine and serve the jail term. I rise!

Clerk: C-o-o-u-u-r-r-t-t!!!

(Outside the court, a battery of journalists interview Chief Fawehinmi)

Fawehinmi: This judgement cannot stand! We shall go on appeal! This is wickedness. People who steal billions are given national awards, chieftaincy titles and honorary doctorates. What type of country is this that kills its own by injustice? And we worship in churches, mosques and shrines, and expect grace to abound, what nonsense! We’re going on appeal. I will appear without collecting a dime from Mallam Audu!

Journalists: What if your appeal is struck out?

Fawehinmi: Then, this country is forever doomed! Nigeria is the only country in the world where government spends billions of dollars on fuel subsidies yearly, cries that the monies go into the wrong hands, yet no one has ever been brought to book. Not one single individual! So, that means the government knows the criminals siphoning fuel subsidies, yet cannot name and prosecute them. What kind of mafia country is that? Armed robbers investigating bandits. I shall go to court to compel the government to name the oil thieves. I know them. They are the big multibillionaires. If the government doesn’t name them, I will! Awon olori buruku gbogbo!

(Her Lordship’s two-car convoy zooms out of the court premises, and her police orderly sits in front of the car with her driver)

Her Lordship: Sergeant, what did the people say after my judgement?

Orderly: They were just grumbling. Stupid people. That troublesome man, Fawehinmi, was threatening to go on appeal. He said the judgement was wicked. The man too worry, na busybody.

FROM THE AUTHOR: Tinubu: The Crowning Of The Spiderman [OPINION]

Her Lordship: Don’t mind him.

Orderly: Yes, ma. I enjoyed the pepper soup leftover you gave me, ma. It’s costlier than N15,000.

Her Lordship: Give me a toothpick from the glove compartment.

Orderly: Yes, Your Honour.

Her Lordship: Please, tune the radio to Fire FM for the network news at 4 o’clock.

Orderly: Yes, My Lord.

Fire FM: The time is 4 o’clock. Here are the news highlights: Uproar in Nigeria’s Senate over judiciary integrity; FG may open Seme Border; Kwara boat tragedy: Death toll hits 106; Obi faults proposed 114% increment for president, governors; Messi set to win 8th Ballon d’Or. Let’s go for a commercial break, we’ll be right back

(Commercial break)

Fire FM: Now, the news in full: The senator representing Booger-Chewer North Local Government senatorial district has said that he encroached on the freedom and independence of his wife while she served as a judge. Speaking at an event yesterday, the senator thanked his wife for allowing him to encroach on her official freedom and independence when he sought her help for his senator colleagues in need. The senator, who said his wife offered the encroachment help, was hushed by the Senate President, Alhaji La-1, whose re-election into the Senate, another senator, Chief Okoro, described as the 8th Wonder of the World.

(Another commercial break)

A nasty smell engulfs Her Lordship’s car even as the police orderly is shocked as a tiny stream of brown liquid from the back seat floor hits his boots.

It’s finished.

Tunde Odesola is a senior journalist, columnist with The PUNCH newspaper and a guest writer in INFO DAILY.

Email: tundeodes2003@yahoo.com
Facebook: @Tunde Odesola
Twitter: @tunde_odesola

News

Textile, Garment And Tailoring Workers Assault Journalists In Edo

Published

6 hours ago

September 16, 2025

Editor

Some members of the National Union of Textile, Garment and Tailoring Workers of Nigeria (NUTGTWN), Edo State branch,
on Tuesday, assaulted journalists who were invited to their secretariat to cover their meeting.

Deputy General Secretary of the NUTGTWN, Comrade Emeka Nkwoala, invited the journalists to the secretariat of the body to get the outcome of a meeting he was directed to hold with them following the resignation of the branch chairman, Mike Ochei from the Caretaker Committee, and the suspension leadership of the union in Edo State over his resignation.

The Caretaker Committee was set up by the leadership of the Nigerian Labour Congress (NLC) to resolve the crisis and conduct election into the state leadership of the Congress.

Ochei, while resiging was quoted to have said that he was coerced into the membership of the caretaker committee, hence his resignation.

Trouble, however, started, when, after the journalists introduced themselves inside the hall, and as Nkwoala about to talk, some of the members of the body started shouting ‘we don’t need press,’ it is an internal affair, they must leave,’ which was followed by some of the union members physically assaulting the journalists. One of the members poked his hands into the eyes of one of the reporters, while they used derogatory words on them.

Addressing journalists after the uproar that followed the meeting, Nkwoala said Ochei was contacted and informed before he was nominated to serve in the NLC committee, stressing that it was, therefore, wrong for him to have claimed that he was coerced into the committee.

He, thereafter, apologised to journalists who were harassed by some members of the union.

Nkwoala said: “I want to apologise on behalf of our union, we are a matured union, we hold the press in high esteem and we relate very well with the press. From the inception of our union, our past leaders didn’t joke with the press. Is it Comrade Adams Oshiomhole, Comrade Issa Aremu or the current General Secretary Comrade Ali Baba? We don’t joke with the press. We apologise for the embarrassment that our members caused you. We are not known for such.

“The state of our union right now in Edo State is that we have suspended the Mike Ochei led state exco. They are on suspension till further notice. That was the resolution we reached with the various chairmen of the zones in Benin City today, it was also the resolution of our National Administrative Council (NAC) of our Union via our zoom meeting yesterday (Monday). So they cannot represent the NUTGTWN anywhere in whatever capacity.”

On the way forward for the crisis in Edo NLC, he said: “Our allegiance is to the national leadership of the NLC ably led by Comrade Joe Ajaero and the Professor Monday Igbafen led caretaker committee. We believe that the leadership of the NLC has machinery in place to deal with some of these issues, for us we are part and parcel of the NLC and we will continue to pay our allegiance with the leadership of congress led by Comrade Ajaero.”

News

Edo Deputy Gov Tasks Lab Scientists On Research, Vaccine Production

Published

8 hours ago

September 16, 2025

Editor

Deputy governor of Edo State, Hon. Dennis Idahosa, on Tuesday, urged the Association of Medical Laboratory Scientists of Nigeria (AMLSN), to go into deep research, and channelled scientific findings to boost public health.

Idahosa also urged the scientists to set up a vaccine manufacturing company in Edo State.

The deputy governor spoke when he played host to the state chapter of AMLSN, saying “as we speak, we still do not have a vaccine manufacturing company or industry in the whole of Nigeria. That, to me, is worrisome.”

Idahosa, who hosted the scientists on behalf of Governor Monday Okpebholo, added: ” This is the heartbeat of the nation. I think we should roll up our sleeves and do what other states in this country have not done before. Let Edo be the beginner.”

He appreciated the laboratory scientists on the courtesy visit, just as he commended them for their contributions and medical interventions, which he said had given a boost to the public health sector delivery system in the state.

Making reference to the campaign manifesto and five point SHINE Agenda of Okpebholo, Idahosa affirmed that, “after security, health is number two. We are laying so much emphasis on health. Edo State is going to be happy with what we are going to do with the health sector.”

Idahosa assured the scientists that he was going to work closely with “the think tanks in the health sector based on raised areas of needs,” as “government would look at the best way to proffer solution to some of these challenges.”

State Chairman of the AMLSN, Dr. Ekhaguere Ehigie who earlier congratulated the Edo State Government for victories at the polls and in court, highlighted issues that plagued laboratory practice in Nigeria.

He advocated the setting up of modern molecular laboratories and use of Nano technology to boost disease diagnosis, accurate laboratory results and monitoring/surveillance of public health.

News

10 Things Candidates Should Know About Customs Recruitment CBT Exams

Published

9 hours ago

September 16, 2025

Editor

The Nigeria Customs Service has issued detailed guidelines to shortlisted candidates ahead of its computer-based test for the ongoing recruitment exercise.

This was contained in a statement obtained by The PUNCH on Tuesday.

The service emphasised that the CBT would be strictly monitored and advised candidates to take note of all instructions to avoid disqualification.

According to the NCS, here are 10 key things applicants must know

1. Test will be online

The service explained that the CBT would be conducted virtually, allowing candidates to write the exam from any location as long as there is reliable internet access. It added that those without personal devices could make use of internet-enabled computer centres.

2. Mobile phones not allowed

Applicants were warned against attempting to use mobile phones for the exam, as the platform does not support such devices. Only laptops and desktops that have webcam capability and allow full-screen display will be accepted.

3. Facial verification required

The NCS stated that a mandatory facial recognition process would be carried out during login. Candidates were urged to prepare accordingly, as their faces must match the details already provided during registration.

4. Avoid untidy appearance

The mail advised applicants to ensure their facial presentation is clear and uncluttered, stressing that “clumsy facial looks” might hinder the smooth operation of the verification system.

5. Sensitive to noise and movement

The CBT application is programmed to detect unusual behaviour. Candidates were cautioned to sit still and maintain focus throughout the test. The system, it warned, could log out those who make excessive body movements or create noise.

6. No distractions allowed

Beyond movements, the service also warned against writing the exam in noisy environments. It explained that whispering or background disturbances may be picked up by the system and interpreted as malpractice.

7. One window at a time

Applicants must remain on a single screen throughout the exam. Switching from one window to another, even briefly, could be flagged by the application as an attempt to cheat.

8. Pre-test before main exam

To familiarise candidates with the system, the service said there would be a compulsory practice session two days before the actual test. This, it added, would enable applicants to understand how the application works and reduce errors on the exam day.

9. Two links for candidates

The NCS explained that applicants would receive two separate links: one to access the pre-test and another for the main CBT on a different date. It urged candidates to use the correct link on the assigned day.

10. Extra test for Superintendent cadre

The mail noted that those who applied for the Superintendent cadre (Level 8) would undertake an additional CBT in the next phase of the recruitment. However, this requirement does not apply to candidates seeking positions in the Inspectorate and Customs Assistant cadres.

The service said that applicants who scale through all stages would be invited for a final screening.

According to The PUNCH, 286,697 candidates were shortlisted for the CBT stage, with the NCS directing all applicants to validate their email addresses as part of the process.