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OPINION: Maggoty Senate And Rotten Judiciary

Published

3 years ago

June 23, 2023

Tunde Odesola

C-o-o-u-u-r-r-t-t!!! Yekinni, the court clerk, yelled like someone grabbed by the balls. Everybody inside the Court-of-A-Piss jumped to their feet. This is Her Lordship’s Court. She’s a beautiful, no-nonsense High Priest in the Temple of Justice. Everybody respects her because she’s formidable, courageous, intelligent and connected.

Devotees in the Temple of Justice look to the door of the inner chamber, expecting Her Lordship to emerge, but she took some time in making her entry. Lawyers, litigants, journalists, clerks, etc remain standing, however.

In a fleeting moment, a phone’s ringtone pierces the solemn air, “Wahala! Wahala! Wahala! Zah Zoo! Zeh before dem nab you, Madam Zehnab! Akoi fura!”

(Silence)

Her Lordship steps out of her chamber in judicial majesty – long, black robe signifying the blindness of justice; her golden wig symbolises both an air of anonymity and an assurance that Milord is nonpartisan. She bows to the court, the court bows back.

Clerk: The first case before this honourable court today is the case with Suit Number AD/321BC/2023, involving a point-and-kill incident in the Maraba district of Abuja, the Federal Capital Territory, filed by Mallam Mai Chutta against Mallam Audu. Mallam Mai Chutta!

Mai Chutta: Yes, mai Load! (Enters the dock)

Clerk: Mallam Audu!

Audu: Yes, mai Lude! (Enters the dock)

Clerk: Appearances.

A senior lawyer stands up, introduces himself, and announces his appearance for Mallam Mai Chutta. I’m Chief I.K.A Ajanlekoko, appearing for the plainthief, my lord.

Clerk: Looks in the direction of Audu.

Audu: I’m appearing por my sef! I no get am for money to haya a loyah.

A Senior Advocate of the Masses, Chief Fawehinmi, stands up and introduces himself as a friend of the court, who is willing to appear for Audu pro bono.

Clerk: (Reads the charge) It has been brought to the notice of this honourable court that you, Mallam Audu, on the 29th of May, 2023, at 19:00 hours, went to Chop-and-Quench Restaurant owned by Mallam Chutta. That you pointed to a live fish to be killed and made into pepper soup for you. That after eating the steamy full plate of N3,000 pepper soup and drinking a bottle of beer costing N600, you refused to pay for the pepper soup and the beer, thereby committing an offence contrary to the Criminal Code Act of the Federal Capital Territory, punishable with a fine of N500,000 and, or a jail term of 10 years. Guilty or not guilty?

Audu: I no guilty, mai Lude.

Fawehinmi: My Lord, I daresay that this suit is ill-conceived, embarrassing, wicked and ungodly! How does the plainthief expect a man who ordered a N3,000 plate of pepper soup and a bottle of cold beer for N600 to pay N15,000 because while the fish was being prepared, the President announced the removal of fuel subsidy? I rely on the Principle of Estoppel which says you can’t change the terms of a contract midstream without a rational cause.

FROM THE AUTHOR: Ooni: The Public Displays Of A King (2) [OPINION]

Ajanlekoko: (Interjects Fawehinmi) Milord, my client relies on the provisions of the Freedom of Contract, which gives the leeway for him to increase his prices at will, coupled with the fact that the presidential pronouncement of fuel subsidy removal is tantamount to executive fiat.

(A murmur sweeps through the court) The phone rings again, “Wahala! Wahala! Wahala! Zah Zoo! Zeh before dem Nab you, Madam Zehnab!” The judge brings down her gavel, ‘Gbam!’

Ajanlekoko: My client is ready to supply your chamber with a similar plate of pepper soup and cold beer, for you to determine if the N15,000 price charged is appropriate or not.

Her Lordship: Ok. I’ll await the supply in my chamber. Please, add garlic and ginger, no salt. I rise for a short adjournment, the court will reconvene in two hours!

(She strikes her gavel down the table)

Clerk: C-o-o-u-u-r-r-t-t!!!

(The phone rang again, “Wahala! Wahala! Wahala! Zah Zoo! Zeh before dem Nab you, Madam Zehnab!”)

(Court reconvenes after two hours)

Fawehinmi: My Lord, I plead with your honour to strike this frivolous suit out and fine the plainthief for damages occasioned by harassment, psychological trauma, time loss and embarrassment. You cannot increase the price of commodities just because you heard a presidential speech. It’s wrong. What changed between the time the customer ordered the fish and when the order was prepared?

Ajanlekoko: Your Honour, milord. Prices changed! The defendant should have asked for the new prices while eating because the presidential broadcast was aired live on radio and TV. He can’t claim to be unaware. He should’ve known prices will change.

FROM THE AUTHOR: Ooni: The Public Displays Of A King (1) [OPINION]

(Murmur in court)

(The gavel sounds. Absolute silence in court)

Her Lordship: (Clears her throat) Here’s my judgement. Having tasted the delicious pepper soup and chilled beer, this honourable court will affirm the technical aspect of the law over the substantive aspect. It’s wicked of any customer to eat such a delicious meal and wash it down with cold beer, and expect not to pay any amount demanded by Chop-and-Quench Restaurant. I hereby find the defendant guilty on all counts. He will pay the fine and serve the jail term. I rise!

Clerk: C-o-o-u-u-r-r-t-t!!!

(Outside the court, a battery of journalists interview Chief Fawehinmi)

Fawehinmi: This judgement cannot stand! We shall go on appeal! This is wickedness. People who steal billions are given national awards, chieftaincy titles and honorary doctorates. What type of country is this that kills its own by injustice? And we worship in churches, mosques and shrines, and expect grace to abound, what nonsense! We’re going on appeal. I will appear without collecting a dime from Mallam Audu!

Journalists: What if your appeal is struck out?

Fawehinmi: Then, this country is forever doomed! Nigeria is the only country in the world where government spends billions of dollars on fuel subsidies yearly, cries that the monies go into the wrong hands, yet no one has ever been brought to book. Not one single individual! So, that means the government knows the criminals siphoning fuel subsidies, yet cannot name and prosecute them. What kind of mafia country is that? Armed robbers investigating bandits. I shall go to court to compel the government to name the oil thieves. I know them. They are the big multibillionaires. If the government doesn’t name them, I will! Awon olori buruku gbogbo!

(Her Lordship’s two-car convoy zooms out of the court premises, and her police orderly sits in front of the car with her driver)

Her Lordship: Sergeant, what did the people say after my judgement?

Orderly: They were just grumbling. Stupid people. That troublesome man, Fawehinmi, was threatening to go on appeal. He said the judgement was wicked. The man too worry, na busybody.

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Her Lordship: Don’t mind him.

Orderly: Yes, ma. I enjoyed the pepper soup leftover you gave me, ma. It’s costlier than N15,000.

Her Lordship: Give me a toothpick from the glove compartment.

Orderly: Yes, Your Honour.

Her Lordship: Please, tune the radio to Fire FM for the network news at 4 o’clock.

Orderly: Yes, My Lord.

Fire FM: The time is 4 o’clock. Here are the news highlights: Uproar in Nigeria’s Senate over judiciary integrity; FG may open Seme Border; Kwara boat tragedy: Death toll hits 106; Obi faults proposed 114% increment for president, governors; Messi set to win 8th Ballon d’Or. Let’s go for a commercial break, we’ll be right back

(Commercial break)

Fire FM: Now, the news in full: The senator representing Booger-Chewer North Local Government senatorial district has said that he encroached on the freedom and independence of his wife while she served as a judge. Speaking at an event yesterday, the senator thanked his wife for allowing him to encroach on her official freedom and independence when he sought her help for his senator colleagues in need. The senator, who said his wife offered the encroachment help, was hushed by the Senate President, Alhaji La-1, whose re-election into the Senate, another senator, Chief Okoro, described as the 8th Wonder of the World.

(Another commercial break)

A nasty smell engulfs Her Lordship’s car even as the police orderly is shocked as a tiny stream of brown liquid from the back seat floor hits his boots.

It’s finished.

Tunde Odesola is a senior journalist, columnist with The PUNCH newspaper and a guest writer in INFO DAILY.

Email: tundeodes2003@yahoo.com
Facebook: @Tunde Odesola
Twitter: @tunde_odesola

News

Eating Takeout Food Often May Increase Heart Disease Risk — Study

Published

16 hours ago

December 30, 2025

Editor

Research suggests that higher takeout food consumption may increase a person’s risk of cardiovascular disease, like heart disease.

In a new study, published in Food Science & Nutrition, researchers said eating takeout food too often can influence systemic inflammation that underlies much cardiovascular disease.

The study of over eight thousand people in the 2009 to 2018 U.S. National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey (NHANES) found that those who eat greater amounts of takeout food are likely to have various elevated risk factors for heart disease.

They were interviewed in their homes and also visited a mobile examination centre, where they recalled their food intake, received cardiometabolic health assessments, and had blood collected.

Mammograms may predict heart disease risk in women — Study

The researchers found a correlation between the amount of takeout food a person consumes and their likelihood of developing chronic low-level inflammation, a key driver of cardiovascular pathology.

Deaths from cardiovascular disease and the consumption of takeout foods are both on the rise, and while that does not prove a causal relationship, the study explores whether there is a connection between the two.

The study tracked degrees of systemic inflammation according to the Dietary Inflammatory Index (DII), a scale that quantifies the risk of inflammation related to the intake of specific dietary substances.

The three major takeaways from the analysis included that a higher level of takeout food consumption corresponded to an unfavourable cardiometabolic profile consisting of lower HDL, as well as higher triglycerides, fasting glucose, serum insulin, and insulin resistance.

Jayne Morgan, MD, cardiologist and Vice President of Medical Affairs in a reaction, who was not involved in the study, explained that “Takeout food raises the cardiovascular risk not because of one ingredient, but because of a predictable combination of nutrients, additives, and preparation methods that adversely affect blood pressure, lipids, insulin sensitivity, inflammation, and endothelial function.”

“This includes excess sodium that increases blood volume and blood vessel stiffness, and unhealthy fats, usually saturated fats or trans fats, that increase cholesterol level and atherosclerosis, a condition that can lead to heart attack and stroke.”

Michelle Routhenstein, Preventive Cardiology Dietitian at Entirely Nourished, also not involved in this study, declared, “It is also important to recognise that frequent takeout use often reflects broader lifestyle pressures such as demanding schedules, limited access to cooking resources, irregular meals, and disrupted sleep, all of which can quietly compound cardiovascular risk.”

News

How To Identify Fake Kiss Condoms In Circulation

Published

18 hours ago

December 30, 2025

Editor

The National Agency for Food and Drug Administration and Control (NAFDAC) has recently warned Nigerians about the circulation of counterfeit Kiss brand condoms in major markets across the country.

Contents
Original DKT Kiss condoms
Fake Kiss condoms

In a public alert published on its website recently and referenced as Public Alert No. 042/2025, the agency said the warning followed information received from DKT International Nigeria, a non-governmental organisation involved in contraceptive social marketing and HIV/AIDS prevention.

NAFDAC stated, “The National Agency for Food and Drug Administration and Control is notifying the public about the sale and distribution of fake Kiss condoms in various Nigerian markets.

“The information was received from the MAH-DKT International Nigeria, a leading non-governmental organisation focused on contraceptive social marketing. Its mission is to provide Nigerians with affordable and safe options for family planning and HIV/AIDS prevention.

“The fake Kiss condoms have been reported to be found in Onitsha Market, Idumota Market, Trade Fair Market, and various markets in Kano, Abuja, Uyo, Gombe, Enugu, and others.”

Kiss condom is a brand of male latex condoms designed to offer sexual protection, including the prevention of unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections such as HIV, gonorrhoea and syphilis.

To help consumers avoid counterfeit products, NAFDAC outlined key differences between original and fake Kiss condoms.

Original DKT Kiss condoms
The original product comes in a light red box pack with clear instructions printed on the lower part of the pack, including single-use warnings and storage and caution information. The box contains detailed medical device information, including MDSS GmbH, Germany, and a complete Nigerian address at Isolo Industrial Layout, Oshodi-Apapa Expressway.

The condom pack is light red, with the word “Kiss” closely written on six lines. The wallet outer pack is lighter red, carries the Oshodi-Apapa address, manufacturer details, and a clear product description beside the condom image. The hidden flap includes revision dates, medical device details, and caution information, while the wallet inner contains detailed instructions and eight bullet points under important notes.

The original condom is large, oval-shaped, well-lubricated, and has a large teat end for semen collection.

Fake Kiss condoms
In contrast, fake Kiss condoms come in darker-coloured box packs with little or no additional information. Some boxes are plain white inside and lack condom images. The address is wrongly listed as 42, Montgomery Road, Yaba, Lagos, while the manufacturer’s address is incomplete or missing. Storage and caution information is absent.

The condom pack is darker, with “Kiss” loosely written on five lines and wide spacing. The condom strip is longer than the original. The wallet outer pack is also darker red, carries incorrect or missing addresses, lacks colour wave designs, and shows inconsistencies in barcode lines. Medical device and caution information are missing, and the hidden flap contains no details.

Inside the wallet, information is summarised with only six bullet points. The fake condom is thinner, round-shaped, less lubricated, and has a smaller teat end.
(TRIBUNE)

News

Lagos: Police Arrest 14 Suspected Traffic Robbers On Lekki-Epe Expressway

Published

21 hours ago

December 30, 2025

Editor

Fourteen persons suspected to be involved in traffic-related robbery have been arrested at various points along the Lekki-Epe Expressway in Lagos over the past two weeks.

The arrests were confirmed on Tuesday by the Lagos State Police Command spokesperson, SP Abimbola Adebisi, via a post on her official X handle, @AbimbolaShotayo.

According to her, operatives of the Command’s Tactical Squad based in Elemoro carried out the operations that led to the suspects’ apprehension.

She explained that the arrests followed sustained patrols and intelligence-driven operations aimed at curbing criminal activities associated with traffic congestion and improving the safety of motorists and other road users along the busy corridor.

Adebisi noted that the development reflects the Command’s determination to strengthen security and uphold law and order on the Lekki-Epe axis, adding that the Tactical Squad has continued to proactively identify crime-prone areas and respond swiftly to threats posed by criminal elements.

She called on residents and commuters to support police efforts by providing timely and credible information that could assist in preventing and detecting crime.

“Security is a shared responsibility. Members of the public are encouraged to stay alert and promptly report any suspicious movements or activities to the nearest police station,” she said.

The police spokesperson further reassured residents and road users of the Command’s commitment to maintaining aggressive patrols and security operations to protect lives and property in the area.

She reiterated the Command’s community policing message, “See Something, Say Something,” stressing the importance of cooperation between the police and the public in sustaining peace and security.