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OPINION: Maggoty Senate And Rotten Judiciary

Published

2 years ago

June 23, 2023

Editor

Tunde Odesola

C-o-o-u-u-r-r-t-t!!! Yekinni, the court clerk, yelled like someone grabbed by the balls. Everybody inside the Court-of-A-Piss jumped to their feet. This is Her Lordship’s Court. She’s a beautiful, no-nonsense High Priest in the Temple of Justice. Everybody respects her because she’s formidable, courageous, intelligent and connected.

Devotees in the Temple of Justice look to the door of the inner chamber, expecting Her Lordship to emerge, but she took some time in making her entry. Lawyers, litigants, journalists, clerks, etc remain standing, however.

In a fleeting moment, a phone’s ringtone pierces the solemn air, “Wahala! Wahala! Wahala! Zah Zoo! Zeh before dem nab you, Madam Zehnab! Akoi fura!”

(Silence)

Her Lordship steps out of her chamber in judicial majesty – long, black robe signifying the blindness of justice; her golden wig symbolises both an air of anonymity and an assurance that Milord is nonpartisan. She bows to the court, the court bows back.

Clerk: The first case before this honourable court today is the case with Suit Number AD/321BC/2023, involving a point-and-kill incident in the Maraba district of Abuja, the Federal Capital Territory, filed by Mallam Mai Chutta against Mallam Audu. Mallam Mai Chutta!

Mai Chutta: Yes, mai Load! (Enters the dock)

Clerk: Mallam Audu!

Audu: Yes, mai Lude! (Enters the dock)

Clerk: Appearances.

A senior lawyer stands up, introduces himself, and announces his appearance for Mallam Mai Chutta. I’m Chief I.K.A Ajanlekoko, appearing for the plainthief, my lord.

Clerk: Looks in the direction of Audu.

Audu: I’m appearing por my sef! I no get am for money to haya a loyah.

A Senior Advocate of the Masses, Chief Fawehinmi, stands up and introduces himself as a friend of the court, who is willing to appear for Audu pro bono.

Clerk: (Reads the charge) It has been brought to the notice of this honourable court that you, Mallam Audu, on the 29th of May, 2023, at 19:00 hours, went to Chop-and-Quench Restaurant owned by Mallam Chutta. That you pointed to a live fish to be killed and made into pepper soup for you. That after eating the steamy full plate of N3,000 pepper soup and drinking a bottle of beer costing N600, you refused to pay for the pepper soup and the beer, thereby committing an offence contrary to the Criminal Code Act of the Federal Capital Territory, punishable with a fine of N500,000 and, or a jail term of 10 years. Guilty or not guilty?

Audu: I no guilty, mai Lude.

Fawehinmi: My Lord, I daresay that this suit is ill-conceived, embarrassing, wicked and ungodly! How does the plainthief expect a man who ordered a N3,000 plate of pepper soup and a bottle of cold beer for N600 to pay N15,000 because while the fish was being prepared, the President announced the removal of fuel subsidy? I rely on the Principle of Estoppel which says you can’t change the terms of a contract midstream without a rational cause.

FROM THE AUTHOR: Ooni: The Public Displays Of A King (2) [OPINION]

Ajanlekoko: (Interjects Fawehinmi) Milord, my client relies on the provisions of the Freedom of Contract, which gives the leeway for him to increase his prices at will, coupled with the fact that the presidential pronouncement of fuel subsidy removal is tantamount to executive fiat.

(A murmur sweeps through the court) The phone rings again, “Wahala! Wahala! Wahala! Zah Zoo! Zeh before dem Nab you, Madam Zehnab!” The judge brings down her gavel, ‘Gbam!’

Ajanlekoko: My client is ready to supply your chamber with a similar plate of pepper soup and cold beer, for you to determine if the N15,000 price charged is appropriate or not.

Her Lordship: Ok. I’ll await the supply in my chamber. Please, add garlic and ginger, no salt. I rise for a short adjournment, the court will reconvene in two hours!

(She strikes her gavel down the table)

Clerk: C-o-o-u-u-r-r-t-t!!!

(The phone rang again, “Wahala! Wahala! Wahala! Zah Zoo! Zeh before dem Nab you, Madam Zehnab!”)

(Court reconvenes after two hours)

Fawehinmi: My Lord, I plead with your honour to strike this frivolous suit out and fine the plainthief for damages occasioned by harassment, psychological trauma, time loss and embarrassment. You cannot increase the price of commodities just because you heard a presidential speech. It’s wrong. What changed between the time the customer ordered the fish and when the order was prepared?

Ajanlekoko: Your Honour, milord. Prices changed! The defendant should have asked for the new prices while eating because the presidential broadcast was aired live on radio and TV. He can’t claim to be unaware. He should’ve known prices will change.

FROM THE AUTHOR: Ooni: The Public Displays Of A King (1) [OPINION]

(Murmur in court)

(The gavel sounds. Absolute silence in court)

Her Lordship: (Clears her throat) Here’s my judgement. Having tasted the delicious pepper soup and chilled beer, this honourable court will affirm the technical aspect of the law over the substantive aspect. It’s wicked of any customer to eat such a delicious meal and wash it down with cold beer, and expect not to pay any amount demanded by Chop-and-Quench Restaurant. I hereby find the defendant guilty on all counts. He will pay the fine and serve the jail term. I rise!

Clerk: C-o-o-u-u-r-r-t-t!!!

(Outside the court, a battery of journalists interview Chief Fawehinmi)

Fawehinmi: This judgement cannot stand! We shall go on appeal! This is wickedness. People who steal billions are given national awards, chieftaincy titles and honorary doctorates. What type of country is this that kills its own by injustice? And we worship in churches, mosques and shrines, and expect grace to abound, what nonsense! We’re going on appeal. I will appear without collecting a dime from Mallam Audu!

Journalists: What if your appeal is struck out?

Fawehinmi: Then, this country is forever doomed! Nigeria is the only country in the world where government spends billions of dollars on fuel subsidies yearly, cries that the monies go into the wrong hands, yet no one has ever been brought to book. Not one single individual! So, that means the government knows the criminals siphoning fuel subsidies, yet cannot name and prosecute them. What kind of mafia country is that? Armed robbers investigating bandits. I shall go to court to compel the government to name the oil thieves. I know them. They are the big multibillionaires. If the government doesn’t name them, I will! Awon olori buruku gbogbo!

(Her Lordship’s two-car convoy zooms out of the court premises, and her police orderly sits in front of the car with her driver)

Her Lordship: Sergeant, what did the people say after my judgement?

Orderly: They were just grumbling. Stupid people. That troublesome man, Fawehinmi, was threatening to go on appeal. He said the judgement was wicked. The man too worry, na busybody.

FROM THE AUTHOR: Tinubu: The Crowning Of The Spiderman [OPINION]

Her Lordship: Don’t mind him.

Orderly: Yes, ma. I enjoyed the pepper soup leftover you gave me, ma. It’s costlier than N15,000.

Her Lordship: Give me a toothpick from the glove compartment.

Orderly: Yes, Your Honour.

Her Lordship: Please, tune the radio to Fire FM for the network news at 4 o’clock.

Orderly: Yes, My Lord.

Fire FM: The time is 4 o’clock. Here are the news highlights: Uproar in Nigeria’s Senate over judiciary integrity; FG may open Seme Border; Kwara boat tragedy: Death toll hits 106; Obi faults proposed 114% increment for president, governors; Messi set to win 8th Ballon d’Or. Let’s go for a commercial break, we’ll be right back

(Commercial break)

Fire FM: Now, the news in full: The senator representing Booger-Chewer North Local Government senatorial district has said that he encroached on the freedom and independence of his wife while she served as a judge. Speaking at an event yesterday, the senator thanked his wife for allowing him to encroach on her official freedom and independence when he sought her help for his senator colleagues in need. The senator, who said his wife offered the encroachment help, was hushed by the Senate President, Alhaji La-1, whose re-election into the Senate, another senator, Chief Okoro, described as the 8th Wonder of the World.

(Another commercial break)

A nasty smell engulfs Her Lordship’s car even as the police orderly is shocked as a tiny stream of brown liquid from the back seat floor hits his boots.

It’s finished.

Tunde Odesola is a senior journalist, columnist with The PUNCH newspaper and a guest writer in INFO DAILY.

Email: tundeodes2003@yahoo.com
Facebook: @Tunde Odesola
Twitter: @tunde_odesola

News

AGILE Leads 200 Girls On Road Walk To Create Awareness In Bauchi

Published

58 minutes ago

October 10, 2025

Editor

The Adolescent Girls Initiative for Learning and Empowerment (AGILE), has commemorated the 2025 International Day of the Girl Child by leading 200 girls on a walk to the Bauchi State Government House.

The International Day of the Girl Child is an international observance day declared by the United Nations. The day is also called the Day of Girls and the International Day of the Girl.

The observation of the day supports more opportunities for girls and increases awareness of gender inequality faced by girls worldwide based upon their gender.

Speaking shortly before leading the girls on the road walk, Hajiya Ladi Muhammad, the AGILE Project Coordinator in the state, said that since the inception of the project, more girls had been enrolled in schools.

According to her, through AGILE, this year’s celebration could be emphasised by showcasing how education equips girls not only to navigate crises but to lead recovery and transformation within their communities.

She explained that the celebration in Bauchi State has the objective of showcasing AGILE’s role in empowering girls through education, life skills, and inclusion programmes.

She added that it was also meant to promote inclusive education for all girls, including those out of school and girls with disabilities as well as demonstrate learning-to-lead pathways through digital literacy, life skills, and climate action initiatives.

“The celebration was further to strengthen engagement between girls, leaders, and policymakers through interactive dialogue.

“Most importantly, it was to raise awareness of AGILE systems, Conditional Cash Transfer and Life Skills that sustain access to quality education and build resilience among girls and their communities.

“The celebration aligns that when girls are educated and empowered, they not only recognise their worth but also become active agents of change, leading responses, driving recovery and building resilience within their communities and beyond,” she said.

Also speaking, Dr Mohammed Lawal the state’s Commissioner for Education, reiterated the state government’s commitment to girl child education and welfare.

He explained that the AGILE project has improved the enrolment of more girls into the schools across the state especially , through the conditional cash transfer system which he said, has mobilised more girls to access education.

Mohammed assured that the government would not fail in creating a conducive atmosphere for the girls to acquire education and attain their potential.

News

Japan In Political Crisis As Coalition Collapses

Published

1 hour ago

October 10, 2025

Editor

Japan’s ruling coalition collapsed Friday as junior partner Komeito quit the alliance, putting in peril Sanae Takaichi’s bid to become the country’s first woman prime minister.

Takaichi became head of the Liberal Democratic Party less than a week ago and had been expected to be approved by parliament as premier this month.

But Komeito’s decision to end the alliance that has governed Japan almost uninterrupted for 25 years plunged Japan into a new political crisis.

The yen dropped against the dollar following the announcement, while the Nikkei closed down 1.0 per cent.

“We want the LDP-Komeito coalition to go back to the drawing board for now and bring an end to our relationship,” Komeito party chief Tetsuo Saito told reporters after talks with the LDP.

“Given that we have not received clear and concrete cooperation from the LDP regarding our demands, and if these reforms prove impossible to achieve, I said (in the meeting) that it would be utterly impossible for us to write Sanae Takaichi’s name in the nomination,” he said.

In particular, Saito told Takaichi that her answers on the LDP’s recent slush fund scandal were unsatisfactory, media reports said.

Saito said, however, that Komeito would still support budget plans and other legislation that the two parties have prepared.

Takaichi was due to replace Shigeru Ishiba, who took the reins last year, but whose coalition lost its majority in both houses of parliament, in part because of voter anger at inflation and the LDP slush fund scandal.

Komeito was reportedly also unhappy about Takaichi’s more conservative politics.

This includes her previous regular visits to the Yasukuni shrine honouring Japan’s war dead, including war criminals.

The last visit to Yasukuni by a serving prime minister in 2013, by the late Shinzo Abe — Takaichi’s mentor — prompted fury from China and South Korea and disquiet from Washington.

Media reports this week said that Takaichi might skip going to the shrine during the upcoming autumn festival, which will be held from October 17 to 19.

Takaichi, 64, whose hero is Margaret Thatcher, had hailed a “new era” Saturday after becoming head of the LDP.

She had won a runoff leadership contest against the telegenic and more socially progressive Shinjiro Koizumi.

Koizumi, 44, would have been Japan’s youngest prime minister in the modern era and represented a generational change for the LDP.

The LDP has been haemorrhaging support as backing grows for smaller parties, including the anti-immigration Sanseito.

If Takaichi becomes premier, she faces a host of complex issues, including an ageing population, geopolitical upheaval, a faltering economy and growing unease about immigration.

One of Takaichi’s first official duties as premier will be receiving US President Donald Trump, who is reportedly set to make a stopover in Japan in late October.

AFP

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BRC Sympathises With Edo NSCDC, Family, On Painful Death Of Commandant

Published

6 hours ago

October 10, 2025

Editor

Benin Recreation Club 1933 (BRC) has sympathised with Nigeria Security and Civil Defence Corps (NSCDC), Edo State Command, over the painful demise of the state commandant, Agun Gbenga Joseph.

In a statement issued by the club’s Public Relations Officer, Mr. Edoko Wilson Edoko, president of the club, Mr. Osayi Courage Osamuyi, described the death of commandant Gbenga as shocking and a painful loss to the security community and the state at large.

“The late Commandant’s death is indeed shocking and a painful loss. He was jovial, very accommodating, and an initiative-driven individual,” Mr. Osayi stated.

“I recall our Club’s visit to his office, where I led members of my Executive Committee to meet with him. We discussed areas of collaboration between Benin Recreation Club and the NSCDC, Edo State Command”, he said.

Osayi further urged the bereaved family and the NSCDC to draw strength from the late Commandant’s legacy of service, professionalism, and dedication to duty.

He prayed that God grants them the fortitude to bear the irreplaceable loss.

Recall that the Commandant reportedly slumped and died on Thursday, 2nd October 2025, while delivering a goodwill message at an event organised by the International Association of World Peace Advocates held at the Bishop Kelly Pastoral Centre in Benin City.