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OPINION: Natahsha’s Apoti Is Not Godswill For Apkabio
Published
3 months agoon
By
Editor
Tunde Odesola
The darkness was so heavy you could touch it. ’Twas so thick it could stain. Sinister and choking, the darkness screened off the sky and its moonlight. Without thunderclap nor lightning daze, rain poured down on the night of long knives.
Suddenly, a violent wind arose amid the footfalls of fleeing bandits, who slung huge sacks of stuffed ballot boxes over their shoulders like Father Christmas slings his sack of gifts.
“Ole! Ole! Ole! Thief! Thief! Thief! The pursuing citizens shouted. The vote robbers neither stopped nor looked back en route to their chamber, deriving inspiration from the proverb of perseverance that says, “When the egúngún is in pursuit, the pursued is advised not to stop because as fleeing humans tire out, so is the pursuing egúngún tiring out.”
One after the other, the bandits jumped into their fortress through the doors, windows and ceiling, slamming the doors, windows and attic shut before the masses could close in. Ruthless and rapacious, the bandits caught their breath like lions do after an arduous kill. Wow! That was a close shave!
Once the robbers ran into their Abuja fortress, the pursuers stopped and backed off, knowing full well the fortress was guarded by gunmen and the Constitution.
The rain continued to pour down in torrents. No owls hooted, no crickets chirped, no dogs barked, only darkness loomed. The Official Manservant of the bandits is called Mr Clerk. He pressed a button on his table, and the whole chamber came alive in full red colour.
Now, everyone is seated in their respective seat; their faces shone with sweat, rain and blood stains, each beaming with smiles and a sense of accomplishment. Handshakes, backslaps and bear hugs with cackles of laughter shook the chamber.
Apkabio is the leader of the hunting pack. He banged his gavel for attention and said in his peculiar accent, “Distinguished ladies and yentlemen, I, hereby, grant Mr Clerk the permiyon to address and pray for us. Please, let’s pay attenyon because it is my intenyon for our victory celebrayon to progress till the morning hours. We deserve to party and enjoy ourselves, ladies and yentlemen.”
Clerk: Let us pray. We’re grateful that it pleases the Lord Almighty to give our returning members sweet victory in their respective elections. Though the election battle was snatch and bolt, rip and run, the Lord gives victory to whom He loves…(Speaks in tongues: El shsasba prokorotori matayakata!). Father Lord, we pray that you be the guide and guard of Your children as they embark on their four-year legislative duties to their fatherland in Jesus’ mighty name!
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Chorus: Amen!!!
An imam, whose tasbih (rosary) was longer than the intestines of a cow, was also on hand to pray for the brood of vipers. His turban was bigger than a parachute.
Apkabio: (Continuing in his funny accent) Mbon mmi, my own election was war! I didn’t participate in my party’s primaries, but I grabbed the ticket after I stuffed Supreme judges’ wigs, gowns and mouths with dollars. Okuk atan iko – money speaking. Money na water.
Fellow bandits hail Apkabio: After God na you!
Apkabio: No! No! No oooo! Make una no put me for wahala o. Yagaban na my oka (oga) o. I no near Yagaban a-roll a-roll (at all, at all) o.
Bandits: Hahahahahahahha. Na you, biko!
Apkabio: Where’s Honourable Natahsha? I can see a few honourables didn’t jump in through the doors and windows. Mr Clerk, please, tell Honourable Natahsha to see me in my private residence asap; there’s an urgent national assignment for her in my bedroom.
Clerk: Sir, Honourable Natahsha dropped a petition about the arrangement of the chamber.
Apkabio: Tell her I’ll do anything she wants, whenever and wherever she’s ready to tickle my fancy. She can have anything in this chamber, including my humble self. Who am I but a mere servant, ready to sow and reap in lush vineyards? Uwem enem – life’s sweet o.
The gang bursts out laughing.
Clerk: I’ll let her know, Your Honour, sir.
The gang partied late into the night, blasting Olu Maintain’s hit, Yahoozee; Kelly Hansome’s Maga Don Pay, and Living Things by 9ice, among other crematorium songs.
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(Inside Apkabio house, domestic staff engage in gossip)
Gardener: (Singing African China song) …Mr President, lead us well; If you bi governor, govern us well; If you bi senator, senate am well; If you bi police, police well well, no dey take bribe…
Maid: Akpan, if oga or madam hear di song you dey sing, just know say your work for dis house don finish. Both of dem dey para now o.
Cook: Ekaette, wetin you mean? Why dem dey para nah?
Maid: Udoh and Akpan! Una no hear wetin dey happen!? Di yellow canary wey oga tink say im catch with im bowler hat for inside chamber, by the time oga put im hand inside the hat, oga no grab canary o, na shit oga grab! And the bird don dey sing to fellow Nigerians since!
Gardener: Ha, Ekaette, na wa o. E bi like say dem take women swear for oga. Which kain insult oga never see on top woman matter? Dem don tear oga singlet, beat am, spit on am.. Haba! Shey na di route wey oga follow come dis world im wan follow go ni?
Driver: No bi today nah. You sabi how many earrings and nails wey I don pack while cleaning oga limousines? I no go tell una other extracurricular items wey I don sweep comot from inside oga limousines. Shey una see dat oga head wey bi like Abiku head, na only women and how to thief money full am.
Cook: You mean say oga dey do on motion?
Driver: Oga na ‘Everywhere You Go Turaya’, e dey active on land, air and sea. But dis Apoti wey oga go siddon on top don burn oga yansh, oga no fit siddon again. Apoti na wetin Yoruba dey call small wooden seat. Igbo people dey call am ‘obere oche’. Hausa dey call am ‘keremin kujira’. Dis apoti hot pass furnace.
(Vehicle horns blare. People talk outside the gates, raining curses on Natahsha and singing the praise of Apkabio)
Maid: Protesters don come collect money – human rights activists, police, students, labour, journalists, traders, lawyers, town unions, etc. Oga don spend real money on top dis skirt and blouse matter o.
Cook: Hey, look! See oga’s chief of staff don dey come downstairs; make e no meet us here o. O ya, o ya, make everybody disappear. Me, I never obtain Yankee visa, I dey waka go boys’ quarters o.
(Domestic staff disperse quickly)
The next day, Apkabio locked himself inside his room. He was greatly disturbed because the Yellow Canary wouldn’t stop singing. In fact, she has taken her song beyond the compromised courts in the land, to an international tribunal, where she’s singing on the top of her voice. Sweat broke on Apkabio brow.
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He looked at himself in the mirror and shook his head. He opened his mouth, but no word came out. He cleared his throat and tried again to talk, yet there was no word. He slumped on his bed and wept.
Apkabio drifted into a dream. In the dream, Apoti pummels and drags him to the edge of a cliff and pushes him off, he shouts and jerks awake, panting, sweating and cursing.
Outside the room, Mrs Apkabio hears her husband’s shout. She rushes in. “Ha, my lord, why are you shouting and sweating like this?” she asked. “It’s that witch o, that ashewo girl. She pushed me from a cliff, but Mama Bourdillon grabbed me before I nack head for wall,” he replied.
“Blood of Jesus! This will pass, my husband. I’ve mobilised serving and retired female and male crooks, and they’ve been singing your praise. I recruited Itu Iya Ita in Calabar and a former Lagos Minister who has fallen on bad times. I also recruited a member of a family reputed for betraying,” she said. “Thank you,” Apkabio replied.
Mrs Apkabio: But you sef, why you no dey take eye see anything in skirt?
Apkabio: Na my enemies use women curse me, I swear.
Mrs Apkabio: See your mouth, he-goat! Abeg, I’m going downstairs to pay some leaders of Niger Delta militants who have been helping us threaten to cause wahala if you’re removed.
Apkabio: Thank you. I’ll never chase anything in a skirt again.
Mrs Apkabio: What if she no wear skirt?
(Both burst out laughing as the wife exits)
All alone, Apkabio goes back to the mirror and looks at himself; a one-horn, one-eyed principality stares back at him. Then, his inner mind spoke: “Apkabio, you’re a disgrace! You stole your way into the House. But instead of repenting from your old ways, you refused. What legacy do you intend to bequeath? A professor who rigged an election for you was jailed. You head a House of criminals, some of whose members are wanted for international crimes in the US and Europe. A current member of the hound is still in prison abroad. Apkabio, look at your life!
Email: tundeodes2003@yahoo.com
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How Atiku, El-Rufai, Amaechi Can Learn From Tinubu’s School Of Politics
Published
7 hours agoon
June 22, 2025By
Editor
By Festus Adedayo
Power politics in the animal kingdom could be as intense, deceptive and selfish as it is in the human kingdom. An ancient African allegory whose patent cannot be credited to a particular tradition illustrates this. It is the fable of an old forest warhorse, the lion. After years of feasting on animals, his mane soaked in their innocent blood, Old Lion became too senescent to hunt for games. Stricken with old age, diverse infirmities and unable to put food on his own table, the King decided to get food by subterfuge and trickery.
Always by himself and soaked in myriad thoughts and stratagems for many nights and days, one day a thought sidled into his mind. He would pretend to be so infirm that he could not hunt and thus court ‘get well’ visits of other animals. He then got emissaries to broadcast his infirmity round and about the forest. As the message got to them, the animals debated the prospect of visiting him after the debilitating havoc he had wrecked on their peers and forebears. The majority of opinions supported paying the king of the jungle get-well-quick visits.
Thus, one after the other, animals of various kinds paid the King visits in his supposed infirmary. As each sauntered in, the King made barbecue of their fleshes. However, Tortoise, the wily Trickster animal, according to the Yoruba version of that fable, burst the King’s bubble. Some other African climes’ account say it was not Tortoise but the Red Fox. So, the animal came to the conclusion that, though he would satisfy the majority’s decision to pay the King obeisance, he would be a whiff careful and wiser.
So Fox/Tortoise devised a trick. He presented himself at a respectable distance from a cave by the hill that led to the King’s lair. From there, he shouted at the top of his voice to the aged King Lion to announce his presence. On hearing his voice, the King peered out queasily and bade him come into the lair. Like an Apiroro, one who feigns sleep, who must be atop the mastery of the theatrics of their game, the Lion dragged his response with great effort and said, “I am not so well… But, my friend, why do you stand without? Pray, come in and wish me well.” The Fox/Tortoise, in a sarcasm that mocked the Lion’s theatrics said: “No, thank you, Your Majesty. But, I noticed that there are many prints of feet entering your cave, but I see no trace of any returning.”
Last Friday, ex-Vice President Atiku Abubakar, Nasir El-Rufai, Rotimi Amaechi and their co-travelers inside the Nigerian National Coalition Group (NNCG) coach arrived at a significant juncture in their bid to send President Bola Tinubu back to Lagos in 2027. On that day, the NNCG formally applied to the Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC) for registration as the All Democratic Alliance (ADA) party.
As far as formality goes, the dramatis personae on this journey have many reasons to clink champagne glasses. In semiotic representation, which is the study of signs, symbols, their use and representation, ADA would seem to be the greatest weapon in the NNCG’s hands to skewer the heart of the Broom, symbol of the reigning All Progressives Congress (APC).
Like the old wily Lion, virtually all the political characters on the two aisles of the divide – opposition and in government – suffer similar fates in the estimation of Nigerians today. In relationship calculus, Yoruba advise a younger one burying the elder in the presence of the younger sibling to be mindful of the depth of the grave they dig because same fate awaits them. At the joint sitting of the National Assembly on Democracy Day, Tinubu literally gloated about the walnut-pod-seeds schism and discord that characterize Nigeria’s opposition parties. “It is, indeed, a pleasure to witness you in such disarray,” he said.
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A few days later, the demon came out of its seclusion. The deodorant the APC had been spraying over its messy internal power struggles expired and the putrid smell hit the nose with the bang of an Iraqi missile. The party’s Northeast leaders’ meeting for the adoption of Tinubu for a second term exposed vultures gathering round the APC in an ominous exclusion plan against Kashim Shettima. The game is to spike Shettima’s name from the 2027 presidential ballot.
Today, APC’s power apparatchik is running helter-skelter. The task is to paper over a grisly crack, an implosion tornado that may erupt in the Shettima exclusion gambit. It is a throwback into a historic Tinubu total power holding tendency, a total frown at and intolerance for sharing power with anyone. As Lagos governor, Tinubu dispensed with deputies as a junky changes syringes.
All of a sudden, erstwhile good governance poster-boy, Borno State governor, Babagana Zulum, a Shettima boy, has become the proverbial Elúùlù, a Yoruba-named brown-feathered Wood Dove bird whose cry is reputed to possess the mystical power of drawing rains from the heavens. The belief is that Elúùlù’s rain could cause everyone to scamper out for alternative shield. As Zulum chirps like Elúùlù, either on the insecure security in his state, against the Tinubu government’s dissonant narrative of peace in Borno, or even over other matters, power watchers see an internal power disruption in the APC.
Zulum’s Elúùlù may be foreshadowing a bitter rain that will pour in the APC over Shettima’s exclusion from a second term. This cry may also be a reminder of a Kowée, another mystic bird which Yoruba mythological belief says whenever it chirps, a lurking danger of death is imminent.
The Shettima travails may point to a saying that the whiplash used to trounce the older wife is kept for the younger one on the rafter. It was this same Shettima who, on a Channels Television interview, mocked the totalitarian system of Nigerian presidency which sidelined Yemi Osinbajo under Muhammadu Buhari. Shettima had said, “Osinbajo is a good man; he’s a nice man. But nice men do not make good leaders, because nice men tend to be nasty. Nice men should be selling popcorn, ice cream.” Today, Shettima sells a medley of ice cream and popcorn under a nasty and grim presidential power play.
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Then, there is intense hunger and anger in the land which government is obviously too lame to tame. Statistics have become ballistics which the Tinubu government’s mind-doctor evangelists bombard Nigerians with. The latest ballistic is that inflation figure has decreased. Yet, the spinners of these figures are unable to explain the fit of sulks Nigerians relapse into when they confront skyrocketing foods and goods in the market. Neither is anyone responding to the people’s groan at their ebbing purchasing power which the twin policies of subsidy withdrawal and Naira flotation have birthed. It is obvious that, as Nigerians walk into the electioneering years, government will have no balm to apply on the people’s aches.
Then, there is the gale of insecurity in the country. Unbeknown to Nigerians, the Tandi of the Buhari government which they thought was dance-shy, cannot even stand the TandiTandi of the Tinubu government which does not have a waist to wag to any danceable tune. Northeast terrorists dance to celebratory songs as they hijack Nigerian local governments as their spoils of war. Same terrorists drink palm-wine with dead Nigerians’ skulls as gourds. In the Northwest, bandits kill Nigerians en-masse as you trample on cockroaches. Benue and Plateau States are poster-boys of government’s helplessness in the face of superior herders’ brains, weapons and strategies. Nigerians in those states bury their dead in silence as federal government regurgitates obituaries, condolence messages as press releases which mask its cowardice. The recent Benue massacre is an example.
So many other missteps of the last two years line the dais. They are missteps which an opposition group or party could weaponize to win Nigerians’ hearts. Is it the Gilbert Chagoury-lization of the Nigerian economy? Or the lack of openness and accountability in the Lagos-Calabar 700km N15trillion road project which the president awarded to a man he openly admitted was his ally? Is it the Airbus A330 presidential aircraft which cost Nigeria $100million and which never passed the senate lens? Is it the flying rumour of mind-boggling corruption that has stuck to this government like a leech in two years? You do not have to scrape more than the surface to amass a shovelful.
To rehash what wily Trickster Tortoise told Lion, King of the jungle, those putting together the ADA as Nigeria’s opposition party also have Tinubu-type logs in their eyes. Nigerians see them as people who have “many prints of feet entering your cave, but (see) no trace of any returning”.
Tinubu was right by claiming, as he did in Kaduna last week, that Uba Sani had transformed the State from a “toxic, uncontrollable environment”.
Under El-Rufai, Kaduna was a horror scene. Though ranked comparatively higher than any other state in Nigeria by multilateral agencies on the scorecard of good governance and accountability, in eight years, El-Rufai’s Kaduna was a state of weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth. The peace in Southern Kaduna today is a departure from the toxicity of the El-Rufai era. When you now have the same character seeking to play leading role in bringing a let to the suffering of the people of Nigeria, it speaks volumes of the kind of leadership Nigerians should look forward to.
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Then, Atiku Abubakar. The ex-VP’s politics is undoubtedly woven round self. Since 1993, he has been a presidential candidate and has failed on each occasion. It is obvious that the current ADA is again primed round him. When self is the issue as in this manner, Yoruba ask if the individual’s esophagus is the sole route to Oyo (Onàofu ntienikanniwonn’gbalos’Oyóní?)
Amaechi is not any better. Having lost out in the power equation of the post-Tinubu era, this former Transport Minister has become an emergency critic, even being ludicrous enough to claim he is hungry. The trio and their co-travelers are united by anger and lust for power, rather than any meaningful attempt to rescue Nigeria from the vice grip of Tinubu. ADA is a huge log that has stayed afloat on and fed on the ecosystem of the murky and filthy river of Fourth Republic Nigerian politics for too long. It has stayed so long on the river that it is mistaking itself for an amphibian animal. And Yoruba say, no matter how long a log stays in the river, it will never become a crocodile.
Borrowing from Lasisi Olagunju, ADA and its minders are like mourners at their own funeral. They can never be a soothing counterpoise to the rot of the Tinubu government. Were it to be possible, the Ibrahim Babangida newbreed model would have been a perfect reply to this current order where, head or tail, Nigerians may lose.
The ADA crew, especially Atiku Abubakar, would need to learn some basic lessons that Tinubu taught Nigerian politics. Between 2007 when he left Lagos governorship and 2023 when he became president, Tinubu wore the strategic patience garment of the vulture. He waited patiently within this period, biding his time for Aso Rock. He could have put himself forth to be Nigeria’s president in 2015 but strategically supported Buhari.
Conversely, at every election season, Atiku’s face thoughtlessly adorns presidential campaign posters like a boring epigram. It is obvious that he and his ADA are too mired in the problems and challenges of Nigeria to be a solution to them. Amaechi and El-Rufai are obviously in ADA out of anger and hungry for revenge against those who chucked them out of their birthright of being in government in perpetuity.
The little I know about anger is, when you are consumed by it, you wake up lost, and you will lose sight of everything. Including your sense.
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Diri Approves Automatic Employment For UAT First Class Graduates
Published
21 hours agoon
June 21, 2025By
Editor
Governor of Bayelsa State, Senator Douye Diri, has offered automatic employment to First Class degree graduates of the University of Africa, Toru-Orua (UAT), in Sagbama Local Government Area of the state.
In a statement, the Chief Press Secretary to governor, Daniel Alabrah, said Diri made the announcement on Saturday at the maiden combined convocation ceremony of 2020/2021, 2021/2022, 2022/2023 and 2024 academic sessions of the university.
Diri said the gesture was part of measures to check the brain drain syndrome.
The governor said the gesture had been replicated in other state-owned tertiary institutions such as the Niger Delta University, Amassoma, in line with his administration’s policy to prioritise education and boost human capital development.
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Congratulating the graduands, the governor praised his predecessor, Senator Seriake Dickson representing Bayelsa West, for his vision and political will in establishing the UAT, which he noted was meeting the educational needs of the state and beyond.
“ln line with our government’s policy, all First Class graduates of UAT will be offered automatic employment to ensure that we do not lose our best brains.
“This first combined convocation ceremony of UAT is momentous and historical. When l took over as governor, l had a lot of presentations, which included closing down the UAT. But l came to the inescapable conclusion that rather than shutting it down, l opted to establish more because education remains our number one priority.”
As Visitor to the UAT, Diri announced the appointment and investiture of Dr. Nwachukwu Nnam Obi III, Ogba of Ogbaland in Rivers State, as the institution’s Chancellor.
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Responding to the challenges presented by the Vice Chancellor, Diri said government will continue to address them through collaborative efforts and urged the institution to explore funding modules towards generating income.
While assuring that the auditorium and Senate building projects would be completed before the end of his tenure, the state’s chief executive promised that government would also address the problem of staff accommodation and that transport vehicles will be provided to ease the challenges faced by workers and students at UAT, NDU and the Federal University, Otuoke.
On the institution’s power needs, Diri said when the 60mw independent power plant procured by the government becomes functional, it would cover the university’s location.
In his remarks, the Vice Chancellor, Prof. Solomon Ebobrah, announced that 66 were awarded first class degrees out of the 905 graduands of the four academic sessions.
He expressed appreciation to the Diri administration for its increased monthly subvention to the UAT and listed a number of challenges to include uncompleted auditorium and Senate buildings, lack of perimeter fencing, power supply, staff accommodation, lecture theatres, teaching and non-teaching staff office accommodation among others.
In his remarks, the Pro Chancellor and Chairman, Governing Council, Barr. Kemela Okara, equally expressed gratitude to government for its support towards the successful accreditation of all programmes by the National Universities Commission.

In a bid to eradicate kidnapping in the state, the Ondo State Government has proposed a death sentence for whoever is found guilty of kidnapping in the state.
The Attorney-General and Commissioner for Justice in the state, Dr Olukayode Ajulo, SAN, disclosed this while speaking with journalists on Saturday after the weekly state executive council meeting.
It was gathered that the state governor, Mr Lucky Aiyedatiwa presided over the meeting.
Ajulo said the proposal would soon be transmitted to the state House of Assembly for necessary legislative action.
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He said, ”Kidnapping and cultism have become major threats to safety and public order and strengthening relevant legal frameworks would help deter such crimes and improve the overall security landscape.
”The proposals would soon be transmitted to the House of Assembly for necessary legislative action, including sentencing convicted kidnappers to death.”
Also speaking, the Special Adviser to the Governor on Infrastructure, Lands and Housing, Engr. Abiola Olawoye, revealed that the Executive Council approved the construction of two major dual-carriageway road projects in the state.
According to him, the first is the construction of a 24.75-kilometre dual carriageway from Ugbeyin Junction – Okitipupa Market – OAUSTECH – Ugbonla Junction – Igbokoda Jetty.
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“The road will feature a 9.3-metre wide carriageway on both sides, a 1.2-metre median, concrete line drains, walkways, asphaltic shoulders in undeveloped areas, a 3-metre utility area, and solar-powered streetlights along the median. The entire road corridor is 28 metres wide, with a total right of way of 40 metres. It will also include modern traffic lights at critical intersections and is designed to carry heavy traffic with a reinforced pavement structure.
”The second project is the construction of a 6.7-kilometre dual carriageway from Supare Junction – Akungba – Ikare Road in Akoko area of the state. The specifications are similar, including a 9.3-metre carriageway on either side, 1.2-metre median, reinforced concrete line drains, walkways, a 3-metre utility area, solar-powered streetlights, and traffic management systems. It is also built to withstand heavy vehicular movement.
“In addition to these, the council approved the provision and installation of 6,000 standalone solar streetlights across the three senatorial districts—2,000 each for Ondo North, Ondo Central, and Ondo South. This is part of the state’s agenda to improve safety and public lighting infrastructure.”
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