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OPINION: Oshiomhole In Massage Hall Of Fame

By Lasisi Olagunju
I wanted to find out who the greatest massager in history was, but the Internet told me history keeps no such Hall of Fame. I asked Google and got no answer; I asked Google Scholar and got silence. Even super-intelligent AI hasn’t been able to help. So, should I just give that crown to Comrade Adams Oshiomhole?
In a private jet, Oshiomhole was filmed completely soaked in massaging the soft leg of a foreign goddess. At the Presidential Villa on Friday, he was heard massaging the ego of the president and his wife.
He said after meeting the president: “I came to see Mr. President. I haven’t seen him this year. Also very importantly, you saw the way and manner President Donald Trump acknowledged not just the President of Nigeria but our First Lady, describing her as a very respectable woman and responsible woman and a pastor of the largest church in Nigeria and he invited her to stand up for recognition. You know that President Trump is very blunt. So, when he used those words to describe our First Lady as a Nigerian you feel proud. And I think it is important for us to say, Mr. President, congratulations because if it is the other way round, imagine what the opposition would have been saying now. You all saw the applause. For me as a Nigerian, that’s worth celebrating.”
The man who uttered those words was Nigeria’s number one labour leader. I heard him and went back to his private jet video. There he is: his wealthy fingers pulse with practised precision, back and forth, along the stretch from the lady’s toe to her ankle, the slender bridge that carries the foot, delicate, expressive, and graceful.
MORE FROM THE AUTHOR:[OPINION] Idolatry: The Worship Of A President
History may not keep records of hand skills, but it remembers timing. And Oshiomhole’s timing is usually impeccable. Just when Nigerians were still debating whether a foot massage can be therapeutic for an aging Comrade, or whether artificial intelligence has finally learnt how to embarrass senators, he calmly changed the subject. From the feet of an angel, he moved to the sentinel of the Villa displaying the same deft skill as a masterful masseur.
While Oshiomhole’s media aide blamed the viral private jet clip on AI and cyber bullies, the lady in the video blamed nothing at all. She wrote: “Video wasn’t AI but okay, believe your senator.” She wrote that, dropped a smiling emoji and left the rest to Instagram to do the talking.
Oshiomhole, meanwhile, rose above the noise. He chose a higher calling. He raced to Bola Tinubu’s Villa to applaud Donald Trump for noticing Nigeria, and celebrating the First Lady. In the world of austere comradeship, national pride depends on foreign validation.
While I struggled thinking of how to merge the jet massage clip with what Oshiomhole said at the Villa, the Internet pushed the word ‘lotus’ at me. I thought I knew lotus – my generation grew up on Lotus body cream. But what does lotus have to do with Oshiomhole and that famous foot? Google quickly stepped in: lotus is the perfect passive participle of the Latin lavare—to wash, to bathe. From there came the lotores, ancient Roman bath attendants who washed legs, arms and armpits, and every other available body part in public baths. Our comrade is a washer man.
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Ancient Rome had public baths called thermae. They were active and widespread during the 1st century BCE and reached their peak use in the 1st to 4th centuries CE. If Adams Oshiomhole had come during those centuries, he would be an attendant in one of the baths. The Roman baths, the Internet told me, were not just about hygiene. They were social hubs, fitness centres, and relaxation spaces rolled into one. Senators, soldiers, slaves, and emperors all shared the same steam, while skilled hands worked with oil, pressure, and quiet confidence. Elbows did serious business. Which is why I am making a comparison here: the Oshiomhole private jet scene looked less like scandal and more like a mobile Roman bath. So when people call Roman bath attendants “ancient wellness influencers,” they are not celebrating unusual people with unusual skills. Like punctilious Oshiomhole, they mastered pressure, posture, and presentation long before Instagram. Like bald-headed, serious-minded comrades, they worked with absolute dedication and carefreeness. They washed anything and everything for anyone to see.
There is always something extra between bald-headed men and the elegance of ladies. Where baldness meets discernment, admiration knows no borders. And for comrades who fight for the masses, admiration easily turns to intoxication when girls are sleek, slim, fair-skinned, and foreign.
It takes rare versatility to be linked to a mid-air foot video and a holy breakfast in the same news cycle. It takes even greater skill to insist that both should make Nigerians proud. In managing time that massages memory, politics that massages truth, power that massages ego, and damsels that demand attention, Oshiomhole is fluent in every department—and masterful in all their techniques.
History may never have a Hall of Fame for masseurs. But if it ever erects one for politicians celebrated for their devotion to the angelic legs of Eves and for spritzing the arse of power with deodorant, Adams Oshiomhole would need no AI to secure his place.
News
Shatta Wale Bailed Burna Boy From Ghana Prison After Arrest For Smoking Weed – Captan
Ghanian singer, Captan, has claimed that his former record label boss, Shatta Wale, once bailed Nigerian singer Burna Boy out of prison in Ghana after he was allegedly arrested for smoking weed.
Speaking in a recent podcast interview, Captan claimed that Shatta Wale sent him and others to free Burna Boy from police custody.
He also claimed that Shatta Wale and his group once accommodated Burna Boy when he was being hunted by some dangerous men.
READ ALSO: Wale Edun Opens Up After Sack
Captan said, “I once bailed Burna Boy out of prison in Ghana when he was arrested for smoking weed. Shatta Wale sent me and some guys to go and free him from police custody.
“There was a time we also accommodated him when some people were after his life. We helped him settle the case.”
He added that he and Burna Boy are no longer in good terms after the Nigerian artist’s fallout with his mentor, Shatta Wale.
He, however, said he and Shatta Wale are open to reconciling with Burna Boy if he asks for it.
Watch the video here
News
Children’s Day: Chaos At Ogbe Stadium As Dozens Faint
Chaos erupted on Wednesday during the Children’s Day celebration as dozens of students reportedly collapsed following a stampede triggered by the use of pepper spray.
The event,
organised by the Edo State Ministry of Education at the Samuel Ogbemudia Stadium was disrupted after some male students of Ihogbe College allegedly made uncompromising advances towards female students at the venue.
A parent who identified himself as Oboh Emmanuel said, “the behaviour of those uncultured students attracted the attention of bouncers stationed at the stadium as they rebuked the male students.”
Oboh said the affected students later regrouped and attacked the bouncers, leading to a confrontation within the crowded arena.
READ ALSO:Children’s Day: Edo Commits To Child Protection
It was gathered that in the ensuing confusion, the bouncers were reported to have deployed pepper spray in an area occupied by a large number of students.
Several students, particularly female students, reportedly fainted after inhaling the substance, while others sustained injuries after being stepped on during the ensuing melee.
The panic was said to have spread across the stadium as students, teachers and parents scampered for safety.
Many of the affected students were reportedly rushed to the Edo Specialist Hospital for medical attention.
READ ALSO: Egor LG Chair, Ogbemudia, Vice, Osawe Impeached
Reacting to the incident, Chief Press Secretary to Governor Monday Okpebholo, Dr Patrick Ebojele, said the security personnel that fired the tear gas had been detained.
He said all the students, except two, that were rushed to the hospital have been discharged.
Ebojele stated that doctors wanted to observe the students till tomorrow before allowing them to go home.
“The two students are not seriously injured. Doctors want to observe them overnight. Permanent Secretary, Ministry of Education is still at the hospital. The man who used pepper spray has been detained.
“The incident did not happen the way it is being exaggerated. All modalities were put in place to ensure the children enjoyed their day.”
News
Okpebholo Salutes Edo Muslims, Seeks Continued Support, Prayers
Governor Monday Okpebholo of Edo State has urged Muslims and all Nigerians to continue to pray for peace, unity and progress in the country even as they celebrate the annual Eid-al-Adha
The governor, who was represented by his deputy, Dennis Idahosa, stated this during the annual Eid-al-Adha celebration with Muslim faithfuls held at Government House in Benin City.
He reiterated his administration’s commitment to fairness, inclusivity and equal opportunities for all citizens irrespective of religion and tribe.
READ ALSO:ADC Penetrates Okpebholo’s District As Defections Strengthen Party in Edo Central
According to him, the present administration remains determined to building a government that reflects the diversity of Edo State, noting that competent and qualified Muslims have continued to play vital roles in his government because of their capacity, integrity and commitment to service.
“As a government, we remain committed to fairness, inclusivity and equal opportunity for every Edo citizen, irrespective of religion, ethnicity or political affiliation. This is why quality and competent Muslims are serving in key positions in our administration.”
Okpebholo appreciated the Muslim community in Edo State for their unwavering support and continuous prayers for his administration, noting that such prayers and support have contributed immensely to the peace and steady development being witnessed across the state.
READ ALSO:Okpebholo Felicitates Muslims On Eid-el-Fitr Celebration
He then called on all Nigerians to use the occasion of Eid-al-Adha to pray for the administration of President Bola Ahmed Tinubu, stressing that the country needs collective prayers, unity and cooperation to overcome its present economic and security challenges.
“I urge all Muslims and indeed all Nigerians to use this occasion to pray for our dear nation and for the administration of President Bola Ahmed Tinubu. Nigeria needs our collective prayers, unity and support as we strive to overcome our challenges and build a more prosperous future for all.”
In his remarks, the Chief Imam of Edo State, Abdulfatai Enabulele, applauded the governor for what he described as remarkable developmental strides recorded in less than two years in office.
The cleric commended the administration for ongoing infrastructural development and efforts geared towards improving governance in the state, but appealed to the government to revisit and complete some abandoned projects inherited from the previous administration for the benefit of the people.
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