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OPINION: When I Forged My Exam Record

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Tunde Odesola

My father, Pa Bisi Odesola, is a retired builder. He owned a little construction concern, Bisi Builders, which constructed a number of buildings in Ikoyi, Victoria Island, Lekki, Ajah and across the country. He exposed me and my immediate younger brother, Biodun, to site life at tender ages.

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Don’t get it twisted, please; we were not given the ‘oga-pikin’ treatment on site. When you get to site, you pull off your fine clothes and step into raggy clothes fit for dirt. Imagine yourself alighting from a brand-new car, cutely dressed, and f-i-a-m, you’re in rags within the twinkle of an eye, clutching a headpan, a shovel and a lawani hat made of a cement bag.

The construction site is unlike the football field of superstars. It is a level-playing field where every ‘lebra’ is a dusty sparrow with equal rights and height, ‘aparo kan o ga ju ’kan lo’. On-site, you don’t need formal education to use literary devices. Labourers call their workplace, work-and-chop or karikachop – a smart caricaturing of the literary device caricature.

For me, site life exemplifies the swiftness in man’s grace-to-grass fall just as it shows the slowness in his grass-to-grace rise. Every morning, me, an ‘aje butter’, swiftly changes into rags but at the end of the day’s drudgery, changing back to my nice clothes would not only be slow, owing to fatigue, I’m not likely to be driven home in an air-conditioned car as my father would’ve left for some other duties, leaving me at the mercy of the Molue and its godly conductors.

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FROM THE AUTHOR: OPINION: The Humiliating Troika Of Obasanjo, Shettima And Bakare (2)

As a secondary school student on holiday job, I worked as a labourer in the rehabilitation of the palace of the Ologere of Ogere-Remo and in the construction of some buildings belonging to the late Prince Babington Ashaye in Ogere, where I lived with other artisans while the job lasted.

One of my father’s able lieutenants, Boda Mike, aka Engineer Michael, was a thorn in my flesh. He was always hassling everyone, telling them to hurry up. “Tunde, òle ni ó, òle ni ó. Wo bo se ngbese nle. A ni sun bi o! Tunde, you’re lazy, you’re foot-dragging. We won’t sleep here!”

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I didn’t understand why Boda Mike was in a hurry when the job was ‘German floor’ casting, which can’t be abandoned uncompleted. It’s a type of task called finish-and-go. If you finish the whole day’s job in five hours, you’re free to go home, and if you like, finish it in 24 hours, that’s when you will leave. I don’t like being hassled. I don’t like site work. The only time I didn’t wear a frown on site was when I was being paid.

I saw some labourers being beaten by their foremen for stealing on site. I was never beaten on site. Because I never stole. But I was beaten off-site. At home and school. For forging my exam document. When you receive site beating, Hitler would feel sorry for you. That was what I received when I forged my report card. How I wish I could tell my father, “I can’t forge what belongs to me.”

Seriously speaking, I think I have some things in common with President Tinubu. My alma mater, Archbishop Aggey Memorial Secondary School, Mushin, is extinct. But that was my school. Former Lagos Commissioner for Special Duties, Dr Muiz Banire, was two years my senior while I was three years ahead of the incumbent Speaker of the Lagos State House of Assembly, Mr Mudashiru Obasa. I also have living classmates, Asiwaju has no secondary schoolmates. He’s truly the last man standing. He must have shed more tears than the crocodile, mourning his classmates.

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FROM THE AUTHOR: OPINION: The Humiliating Troika Of Obasanjo, Shettima And Bakare (1)

During Tinubu’s tenure as governor, the Lagos State Government had returned Aggey to its Catholic Church owners but while other returned missionary schools lived, my school died. As old students, we tried to revive it, but death didn’t unclasp its jaws. The relics of Bishop Aggey remain till this day, housing men of the underworld in the forest it has become right in the heart of Mushin. If my school could die an unnatural death, who says the President’s imaginary secondary school – Government College, Lagos – couldn’t? The real Government College in Surulere, Lagos, a boys-only school, founded in 1974, is still standing, but Tinubu, who was the sole student of his own Government College, Lagos, pulled it down and erased it from public memory upon graduation in 1970!

Four other colleges were established by the Lagos State military administration of Brigadier General Mobolaji Johnson, along with the Government College, Surulere, in 1974. One of them was Government College, Agege, (a girls-only school) which was in my neighbourhood. I had wondered if Asiwaju’s name, Bola, and his toothy smile, could’ve made him mingle among female students unnoticed, wearing a blue beret. But this school was established in 1974, too!

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The President’s secondary school record he submitted to Chicago State University when seeking admission claimed he finished secondary school in 1970 like the one he filled in 2022 while running for Presidency said he finished ‘A’ Level in the same 1970. Iwin! Double-barrel Tinubu!

The conflicting 1970 secondary school graduation dates Asiwaju claimed in his affidavits are just too conspicuous to overlook. They’re like missing incisors, very difficult to hide. I’ve told all that cared to listen: Tinubu truly went to CSU and he graduated with flying colours. There’s no way any executive official will work with ExxonMobil Oil Producing in America with fake American academic results.

Believe me, I have some things in common with the President. I didn’t collect my university certificate upon graduation from Abia State University in the early 1990s because my first name, Isaac, was wrongly spelt. So, y’all should stop troubling the rich husband of Remi over one yeye certificate. Who certificate epp? I never went back to Abia to collect my certificate but I’ve officially requested my transcript a couple of times. I’ve never used my certificate. I only use the ‘Notification of Result’ issued to me. Like Tinubu, like Tunde.

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FROM THE AUTHOR: OPINION: The Humiliating Troika Of Obasanjo, Shettima And Bakare (1)

I forged my secondary school report card. But I’m smarter than the President because I was an underage student in class two when I perfected my own forgery. And I did a perfect job. I wasn’t caught until my father’s overzealousness undid me. Gawd! I got the beating reserved only for a ‘lebra’.

This is the story of my forgery. In my time, students only knew their teachers by their surnames. They were gods with only one name each. Mr Lawal was my class teacher but I didn’t know. He didn’t know me too because I was never in class when he came for the early morning roll call. Like Mohbad, like Tunde: Dis school don taya me…, I go school but I no go class; daddy, I am sorry, I don dey skip classes, Omo Baba Odesola ti wonu aye o….

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When I got my report card and saw I wasn’t in the top three, I knew something had to give. I knocked off the (1) that precedes 12 and changed my position from 12th to 2nd. Me, I didn’t go to Oluwole o. I gave the result to my father who still said there was room for improvement. I wondered what he would’ve said if he knew my actual position in class.

Everything was going well until one afternoon when he paid his usual surprise visit to me in school. He was already in the staff room and Mr Lawal sent for me. Uhmmm!

Mr Lawal asked, “Is this your son? “Yes, my father answered. “Are you in my class?” the teacher asked me. “Yes, sir,” I answered. “I’ve never seen you in my class!” My Lawal brought out the register, my name was missing. My father didn’t understand how a student who came second in class wouldn’t be on the register, so he showed my report card to Mr Lawal.

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My father sought the help of some hefty senior students who carried me like a log and he flogged me like a slave. My teacher begged my father that the beating was too much. When he let go of me, I was bleeding from my face, head, back, hands and legs. He told Mr Lawal and two other teachers, Mr Akintola and Mr Adetunji (TD master), to give me six strokes of the cane each every morning, and sign a log showing I received 18 strokes each day. Mr Adetunji and Mr Akintola beat me for a couple of days and stopped but Mr Lawal didn’t. He beat me every morning and signed the log book.

I have confessed to my crime. If every Nigerian confesses, how many shall be blameless? Nigeria needs a total overhaul.

Email: tundeodes2003@yahoo.com
Facebook: @Tunde Odesola
X: @Tunde_Odesola

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Nigeria Becoming Land Flowing With Tears And Blood — Anglican Bishop Of Warri Laments

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His Lordship, Rt. Rev. Christian Esezi Ide of Warri Diocese of the Anglican Communion, has lamented the deplorable security situation of the country.

Rev. Ide made the remark at the fifteenth synod of the Warri Diocese of the Anglican Communion held at the Cathedral of St Andrew, Warri, with the theme: Overcoming the Birthright of Christians.’

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His Lordship, while quoting reports that say that between 2019 and 2023, 55,910 Christians were killed by terrorists and bandits in Nigeria, lamented that 90 per cent of the total number of Christians killed around the globe within this period were Nigerians.

He enjoined the Federal Government to take concrete steps to redress the sad state of insecurity in the country.

READ ALSO: Nigeria No Longer A Democracy, Peter Obi Laments

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He said: “The Observatory for Religious Freedom in Africa revealed that Nigerians accounted for 90 per cent of all Christians killed worldwide each year; and that between October 2019 and September 2023, a staggering 55,910 people were killed, while 21,000 others were abducted by terrorist groups operating in the region.

“Is this not an indictment of the Nigerian government for failing to protect Christian communities from escalating violence?

“Why should the government sit and watch militant herdsmen steal and vandalise, kill and boast about it, kidnap and rape, while they enjoy total impunity from elected officials?

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“Would it be far from the truth to say that these attacks are religiously motivated and amount to religious cleansing? Worse still, none of the killers have been arrested or brought to justice.

READ ALSO: Hunger Has Turned Nigeria To Somalia – Akeredolu’s Widow Laments

“This carnage must stop, and those responsible must be held accountable. It is worrisome that Nigeria is fast becoming a land flowing with tears and blood due to the reality of terror, devastation, destruction and fear amongst the citizenry.

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“The increasing and constant incidences of attacks in villages, cities, on the roads, airports, railways and waterways, and kidnapping give great worry and concern as to whether the government is overwhelmed by it.

“We urge the government and
relevant security agencies to brace up to the occasion to combat this monster of insecurity, check our porous national borders and collaborate with local vigilantes, before things further generate.”

 

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Imo Government Shuts Down Illegal Schools In Residential Areas, Withdraws Licenses

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The Imo State Government has ordered the immediate closure and withdrawal of approvals and licenses of private schools operating illegally, particularly those located in residential apartments and housing estates across the state.

The directive was contained in a statement issued by the Commissioner for Primary and Secondary Education, Professor B. T. O. Ikegwuoha, who declared the action part of the government’s renewed efforts to sanitize the education sector.

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According to the statement, the government has revoked the approvals and licenses of private schools operating in apartments or residential areas, whether or not such institutions were previously approved.

The Ministry of Primary and Secondary Education has by this notification revoked and withdrawn the approval and licenses of private schools that are presently housed and operating in apartments in Imo State,” the statement read.

Parents and guardians have been advised to withdraw their children and wards from such illegal schools and re-register them in duly approved private or public schools.

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In addition, all schools operating within Federal or Imo State Housing Estates, especially in areas not designated for educational purposes, have also had their approvals revoked.

The government warned that failure to comply with the directive would attract stiff sanctions, including the redistribution of affected students to nearby approved schools.

READ ALSO:Gunmen Kidnap Ohanaeze Youth Council President, Igboayaka In Imo

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Proprietors of private schools in Imo State should note that failure to comply with the conditions outlined in this notice will result in punitive sanctions, including but not limited to immediate distribution of their pupils and students to nearby schools.”

To ensure full compliance, monitoring and inspection teams from the Universal Basic Education (UBSE) and Quality Assurance (QA) departments of the ministry will begin enforcement visits to affected areas.

The government’s action has sparked debate among education stakeholders, with many calling for clarity on zoning regulations and better support for private education providers.
(VANGUARD)

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[OPINION] ADC: Death, Onikoyi And A Hunter’s Pouch

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By Festus Adedayo

Death does not kill alone/Nor does he fight singly/He goes to war with plenty of warriors…/He sends Disease first/He sends Paralysis next/He sends Loss/He sends Curses…/Death finally comes to kill the hunter’s father/Who drinks now of heavenly water.”

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The lines above are from Professor Bade Ajuwon’s, ‘Ogun’s Iremoje: A philosophy of Living and Dying’, taken from Sandra Barnes’ ‘Africa’s Ogun: Old World and New’. It is a chant (Ìrèmòje) by one Lamidi in Akeetan, Oyo, Oyo State in 1976 for Ogundele, a deceased hunter.

Ìrèmòje is Yorùbá poetic dirge sung at funerals of hunters. The bards, in total submission, acknowledge that no armour is strong enough to shield fate. They employ the imagery of the hunter’s pouch, the English man calls it the quiver, the Yoruba hunter calls it the apó. Mourning bards lament that Death kills the hunter like one without the apó. Death kills a sick Babalawo like one whose vestry isn’t full of curative barks and roots. To reinforce this, Yoruba again say that what will be the death of the hunter lurks right there inside his apó.

A strong Yorubaman from the hinterland that he is, President Bola Tinubu must have listened to countless lines of Ìrèmòje like the above. Since Wednesday when the African Democratic Congress (ADC) was launched, expropriating the wisdom in those hunters’ dirges, the Nigerian president must have realized that the firm ground upon which the giant, (Ominran) stands could suddenly become slippery, leading to his fatal fall.

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The bard in the Ogundele chant above would seem to have compared the ADC warriors warring against Tinubu to Death’s strike. The launch of ADC last Wednesday may be the first battalion that Death, those who want to unseat the president, sent to warn him.

Though oxymoronic, a great man can fall to his own folly and vanity. Irish poet, Oscar Wilde, once brought out this oxymoron in his The Picture of Dorian Gray when he said, “a great poet, a really great poet, is the most unpoetical of all creatures.” This Wilde saying may be the purport behind a folktale told to children in pre, colonial and even immediate post-colony of Yorubaland. It was the story of a mythical valiant warrior who, either out of excessive power or inability to realize the fault lines of his prowess, transformed into a crocodile.

Powerful and dreaded, the warrior, who had magical ability to transform into an animal, one day decided to repeat this magical wizardry. He asked that a traditional mat be brought out. As he laid on it, with a white cloth spread over him, by the time the cloth was unwrapped, he had transformed into a huge crocodile. Since, in the words of same Oscar Wilde, no man can be too careful in the choice of his enemies, the warrior’s friends immediately turned against him. Having found out that the only taboo against that animal transformation wizardry was raindrops, the warrior’s friends ganged up and decided to invoke a torrent of rain.

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MORE FROM THE AUTHOR:OPINION: Herdsmen And Crabs Swimming In Benue’s River Of Blood

The Delesolu compound in Oje, Ibadan North East Local Government of Oyo State, parades this same mythical narration of their ancestry. History has it that the great grandfather of the Delesolus did almost like the warrior in the above crocodile mythology. He, too, transformed into a crocodile. Then rain began to fall on the huge animal. Unable to return to his human form as a result of the raindrops, the distressed crocodile walked helplessly into the bush and into the nearest river. He never returned. Till today, anytime a child is born into the Delesolu family, a live crocodile is placed beside the baby. In 1944, a giant crocodile was brought into the compound as a totem, a reminder to the crocodile progeny that wisdom can kill the wise.

But those who have followed the Nigerian president’s political trajectory compare him to the Onikoyi, a renowned war general in the Oyo empire who lived around the 16th to 17th centuries. So many epithets have been used to describe Tinubu, one of which is that he is a ‘Master strategist.’ Onikoyi too was. Tinubu is so politically fearsome, so they say, that he possesses a mind of his own. Describing him further, they say he is a man who, in the words of award-winning Nigerian author, Chigozie Obioma, in his The Fisherman (2015), is “not the kind of man who would dip his foot in another shoe because his own was damp; he would rather trek the earth on barefoot.”

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Onikoyi held command over 1469 men who were famous for fighting to death. They never turned their backs to the enemy. Onikoyi’s war prowess was such that nobody could defeat him.

Like a whirlwind gathers dirt into its concentric circle, erstwhile Tinubu friends gathered at the Shehu Musa Yar’Adua Center last Wednesday. Virtually all of them were once friends and associates of the Onikoyi. From Atiku Abubakar, Nasir El-Rufai, Rauf Aregbesola, Rotimi Amaechi etc, the list is endless. It includes David Mark, a man who, as military general, derisively told Nigerians that they were banished forever to a life of impoverishment. And Judas Iscariot Aregbesola. Onikoyi, too, was betrayed by one of his friends whom he favoured severally.

Envious of his valour, other warriors attempted to cut Onikoyi to size, to no avail. They then courted this friend who they paid handsomely to trigger a fight between Onikoyi and a best friend of his. In the battle, Onikoyi killed his friend and the warrior turned into a bush rat, thereafter making the forest his home. The middle friend who betrayed him had a huge tree fall over him, killing him instantly.

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Since Wednesday when the ADC unfolded, it will appear that the president and the APC have been losing the messaging war. From far away beautiful Caribbean island Sea of Saint Lucia where he and his principal were ensconced, the message of Death seemed to have hit the presidential team badly. So, Bayo Onanuga sought to remind us that the ADC is an assembly of grousers. While lifting the veil off its leaders one by one and their political sins, he even predicted their waterloo.

MORE FROM THE AUTHOR:OPINION: Tinubu’s Chicago Certificate As Afó’kéèmù

Onanuga needed to rewind the clip of his words to hear his own grumpy voice. Nigerians are aware already that right there in the ADC assemblage are political sinners; but, is the APC any better? If he says ADC lacks ideology, what is APC’s ideology? A minister was clearly accused of corruption, of filching billions of the people’s money in collusion with some star boys in the federal executive council. The president sacked her. Till date, she has not been tried. Corruption is said to sit in its imperial glory, just as maggots do on a decomposing meat, in Aso Rock as we speak. A cavalierly looting of Nigerian patrimony, perhaps unprecedented in Nigerian history, is the credo.

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So, is political party about sainthood? If sainthood was the qualification for assembling to form a party, the crew that came into federal power in 2015 would not be there. Muhammadu Buhari was a despot who had his hands bespattered with the blood of Bartholomew Owoh, Bernard Ogedengbe and Lawal Ojuolape.

In 2023, Tinubu himself was one of the most unfit persons to be Nigeria’s president if a leader’s past was an index for voters’ consideration. I am not aware of any presidential candidate in the history of Nigeria’s electoral politics who heaved as hefty a baggage into the polls as the ex-Lagos State governor. He however got off into Aso Rock because many Nigerians believed he had the capacity to change their lives. Two years down the line, the reverse is the case. Nigerians crunch suffering as you eat crunchy nuts. All we hear are Marabout statistics of betterment whereas when we go to markets, we are faced with the tyranny of existence under a government in whose veins blood doesn’t seem to flow. So, reminding us of the past of the ADC coalition members is hogwash. It won’t wash.

But the Atiku ADC seems to be getting the messaging right. And Nigerians are listening to it. Though we know its members do not have any redemptive DNA and will also betray us if they ever get into government, their messaging resonates. Is life better for Nigerians now than it was in 2023? To imagine Aregbesola, whose government pauperized the poor Osun State civil servants as he paid them half salary while wasting billions of Naira on a needless airport project, now claiming that ADC is coming to “rescue the poor”! Though he is one of the greatest dis-advertisements of the ADC coalition, notorious for his dunce-like dances (ijó dìndìnrìn) and maladministration, Aregbesola asked an apt question: “Is today better than yesterday, or yesterday was better than today?”

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MORE FROM THE AUTHOR: OPINION: The Three Wrongs Of Owo Park’s Demolition

Let suffering Nigerians answer that question. It is a question personal to them. Tinubu has spent two grim years that lacerate Nigerians. The next two years do not seem to offer any hope that life would be better. The people’s sorrow daily remarries them to God as they tend to be more religious these days. It is so bad that, in the words of Wilde, Nigerians, majority of whom are lords of language, lack words to describe their anguish and suffering.

Yet, still in the same words of Wilde, the president and his people “(fill their lives) to the very brim with a life of pleasure, as one might fill a cup to the very brim with wine”. It reminds me of a line in Fuji music lord, Ayinde Marshal’s song. He sang that, the Nigerian life that is so difficult and painful to chew or swallow, is same world some Nigerians at the top eat crushingly like one eating hot yam (Ayé t’énìkan ńyó je, l’àwon kan ńje súà bí eni ńje isu.)

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For almost one whole week, the presidency literally relocated and hibernated in Saint Lucia, with no decipherable outcome for Nigerian people. Someday, the real fact of what took the presidency to this tiny island and the amount of the Nigerian wealth incinerated on the jamboree would be revealed. Was our wealth secretly tethered by the feet of Dionysus, Greek god of wine, pleasure and revelry, in Saint Lucia? From Saint Lucia, the presidency is junketing to Brazil for the 17th BRICS Summit. It would be its 18th country to visit in two years.

It is however too early in the day to come to a conclusion of what the coming days will be. Both the ADC and the APC are gathering missiles of war. While I agree with FCT Minister, Nyesom Wike, that none of the coalition crew is competent to articulate the anger and hunger of the Nigerian people, the Tinubu government inflicts hunger on the people. In this case, both Tinubu and the coalition group are like the proverbial bedwetter who is incompetent to haggle the price of aro, used by local drycleaners to curtail urine smell. The Nigerian people are capable of articulating their anger. In 2027, it will be evil politicians against the people.

On the surface, Tinubu’s famed wizardry would win him another four years in office. He is Onikoyi reincarnate, isn’t he? However, history tells us of an Onikoyi reincarnate who died on the battlefield where three trees met overhead. His corpse was not discovered until several days after. By this time, his decomposing corpse had been mercilessly half eaten, in the words of Beier, by vultures and “child of the eagle sitting on the silk cotton tree” and “child of the hawk waiting on the camwood tree”.

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The braggadocio of the APC group is getting muffled now. The voice of the fawning Senate President who said the president would win 99.5% in the 2027 votes is receding too, no thanks to the coalition. The APC, ADC and the PDP will have to deal with Nigerians’ current reality of hopelessness in the midst of plenty. And tell us why we have to vote for them again. Or else, political Death will kill the Onikoyi like a hunter who lost his apó.

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