Tunde Odesola

Dear Uncle Ahmed,

Kowtowing is when a kowtower bows before wealth, power and influence. But, Your Excellency, when I refer to you as ‘Uncle Ahmed’, I’m not on a bootlicking mission. I call you ‘Uncle’ because we were neighbours in the same hood, where you and I tenanted in the early 1990s. That was when you were a nobody in Nigeria’s political space. That was when you rented a three-bedroomed flat at No 18, Coker Street, in the Orile Agege community of Lagos State. That was when you were unsure of the future politics held for you. Uncle Ahmed, if I were writing this letter in Yoruba, it wouldn’t be out of place to call you Bòdá Àdúgbò or Ègbón Àdúgbò aka Area Bro.

Ègbón Ahmed, 72 is your official age. I believe that because I know you don’t lie. But, I call you Bòdá Adugbo because of the age difference between us; I, having been born in the second half of the 1960s. My parents raised me to respect responsible elders.

Your Excellency, I put pen to paper because of the recent chain of events at your Lagos State House of Assembly. Ègbón Bola, the way you administer the City of Aquatic Splendor appears like Lagos was bequeathed to you at birth. But you know it wasn’t. In metaphoric Yoruba, you arrived in Lagos with blood in your eyes, hunting for success. Your toiling met with preparedness, and boom, you became senator, governor…, and then went imperial.

Yes, you can say you fought many nasty wars, such is the way of Nigerian politics; it’s dog eat dog. Ègbón, post-war trauma shouldn’t make you hallucinate and take up the role of God.

Uncle Bola, as your former neighbour and fellow tenant, I think it’s right to let you know how Nigerians are looking in your direction over the reign of terror being unleashed at your junkyard, the Lagos State House of Assembly. Nigerians are looking in your direction because they know you’re the National Leader of the ruling All Progressives Congress and also the State Leader of the party in Lagos. Lagosians know that as the national and state leader of the APC, the recent removal and reinstatement of Lagos Speakers, like women wear and remove menstrual pads, cannot happen without your knowledge and approval.

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I call the LSHA your junkyard because you watch without guilty conscience, since more than 20 years ago, how each legislative tenure sings the anthem, “On Your Mandate We Shall Stand,” instead of singing the national anthem, while you smile like Idi Amin, with your hand on your small chest.

Your Excellency, many Nigerians believe you’re not a good leader. But I believe you rank higher than the late sage, Chief Obafemi Awolowo. They believe you’re the wicked person who straps his baby to the back when going to the bathroom. But I do not believe so. The Yoruba capture such a wicked person in these words, “Ìkà ènìyàn tó ń pon omo re ilé ìwè.”

In their wisdom, the Yoruba believe it’s only a wicked person who straps their child to the back while going to the bathroom because no neighbour is prepared to look after the baby while the wicked person bathes.

Asiwaju, I know you’re not wicked. I know you’re not the one strapping Mudasiru Obasa to your back. Obasa only possesses an irresistible charm that hypnotises his fellow lawmakers to accept him as their Speaker by fire, force and thunder.

Ègbón Àdúgbò, I need to tell you that as a result of the madness going on in the Lagos Assembly, a lot of Lagosians are waiting for you at the next elections, vowing to disgrace you yet again like they resoundingly demystified you in the 2023 presidential election. They say that in 2027, you and your undemocratic party would be roundly defeated in Lagos again.

Also, they allege that plans were underway by your party, in collusion with the Independent National Electoral Commission, to subvert the Bimodal Accreditation System (BIVAS) and the INEC Result Viewing (I-REV) portal, rendering the two technologies useless in Igbo-dominated areas of Lagos in 2027, but I said, “Ah, rara o; Uncle Bola doesn’t rig o;” he’s a democrat.

Tongues are wagging over the brigandage that occurred when your boy, Obasa, forcefully took control of the House and sat with just four lawmakers while the then-substantive Speaker, Mojisola Meranda, had 35 lawmakers solidly behind her. Ègbón Tinubu, isn’t it a shame that all these tyrannical events are happening under your leadership? Baba Folasade, wasn’t it your defiance against military dictatorship that endeared you to the hearts of Lagosians? Generals Ibrahim Babangida and Sani Abacha unbared their fangs, fired their bullets and cracked heads with their boots. But you, Emeritus Governor, with your smile and agbada, you bury your fangs and talons in the jugular of the Lagos House of Assembly. You’re worse than Babangida and Abacha combined!

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By the way, Your Excellency, permit me to humbly ask if you know the meaning of ‘Emeritus’? All of your lackeys in Lagos call you ‘Emeritus Governor’. Do you all know that emeritus means retired? If you’re truly a retired governor, why don’t you hands off Lagos and face the bigger task of governing Nigeria?

You call yourself a democrat, yet you allow them to sing that stupid and idiotic song, “On Your Mandate We Shall Stand’? So, Bobo Chicago’s mandate is more powerful than the mandate the 20 million Lagos population gave to the lawmakers? I know you schooled in America, though you presented a controversial university certificate, but is this the type of democracy practised in America? Where’s honour in your politics, bòdá?

Ègbón Alameda, I’m utterly sorry I didn’t greet you when I started my letter. The uproar generated by the show of shame ongoing at the Lagos State Assembly is enough to make an omolúàbí disrespect elders, who stand by and watch while the head of the baby at the mother’s back tilts dangerously in the market square.

E kú three days, sir. How’s the family? How’s aunty Remi, your jewel of inestimable value, co-investor and co-beneficiary in Nigeria’s political vineyard? How’re the children of your proletariat beginnings, Folasade and Seyi? And the children of your bourgeoisie years, Zainab, Habibat and Olayinka?

It’s delightsome to see that despite her young age, Folasade is the godmother of nonagenarian, octogenarian, septuagenarian and younger marketwomen and men in the whole of Nigeria while your son, Seyi, aka Ola Daddy, is the godfather of Nigeria’s Young Urban Professionals, otherwise known as Yuppies. As for you, the Owner of Lagos, it’s written in the sky, ‘BAT is the god of all godfathers and the king of all kingmakers’. Asiwaju, I twale 100%!! It’s not easy to put Nigeria in your pocket: e kú isé takun takun.

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Bobo Chicago, some plain stupid people describe your fixing family members in positions of power and privilege as passing gluttony down the family line, but I call it fatherly love. I remind such people that many of the children of Nigeria’s monied men of yesteryears are tearing at one another’s throats today over inheritance. The children of the late MKO Abiola and those of the late Chief Rotimi Williams (SAN) are yet at daggers drawn.

The Lion of Bourdillon, when you eventually go to the place where the elderly go, Folasade and her siblings won’t need to fight over inheritance because you’ve placed in their hands golden spoons, long and costly enough to eat at billionaires’ tables anywhere in the world.

As for Aunty Remi, she won’t have any financial worries because she should rank high on the list of Nigeria’s wealthiest women – being the wife of BAT and having worked in the Nigerian Senate aka the nation’s second largest Mint, where President Godswill Akpabio, the alleged serial sexual harasser, is currently battling allegations of sexual harassment and abuse of office by Senator Natasha Akpoti-Uduaghan of Kogi State.

Ègbón, Nigeria has had eight Senate Presidents since 1999 – Evan Enwerem, Chuba Okadigbo, Pius Ayim, Adolphus Wabara; Ken Nnamani, David Mark, Bukola Saraki and Ahmed Lawan. None of them was slapped for alleged sexual assault. None of them resembled ‘Dauda de Sexy Guy’ in looks and actions.

By the way, Asiwaju, I know you would be curious to know what the first largest Mint company is in Nigeria. It’s the Presidency, sir. Followed by the Senate. The third is the House of Reps, followed by the Nigerian Security Printing and Minting Company Limited.

Ègbón mí, let me whisper to you some tete-a-tete truths like sincere siblings do. Please, move closer, sir. Please, don’t you ever contemplate writing your autobiography like General Killer, who lives on a hilltop, did o. Baba Sade, if you do so pénrén, you will receive from Nigerians the type of verbal bashing which deafened the ears of the squirrel. Ha! Writing an autobiography would open the old-wound questions of your age, school, birthplace, parentage, wealth and more.

Bòdá Bola, you don’t need all that trouble. After serving Nigeria with all your heart, you just go home and rest. May Allah protect your investments.

Thanks for being the one and only BAT.

Your former neighbour,

Baba-T.

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