News
CBEX Resumes Operations Despite SEC Ban, N1.2tn EFCC Probe
Published
2 months agoon
By
Editor
Despite the alleged N1.2tn digital trading fraud that reportedly affected over 600,000 Nigerians, the embattled Crypto Bridge Exchange trading platform, accused of these acts, has resumed operations, announcing fresh withdrawal options in a move to restore investor confidence.
Two traders on the CBEX platform confirmed to The PUNCH on Wednesday that the digital trading firm has quietly resumed operations, allowing new users to register, trade, and withdraw profits, despite ongoing investigations by regulatory agencies.
According to the sources, an insurance verification process and an external audit of the company’s financial records are currently underway to ascertain the actual amount lost in the scheme, which collapsed in April.
They added that existing investors, many of whom have been unable to access their funds for weeks, will be able to take out their funds starting from June 25, 2025, when the audit is expected to be concluded by an insurance firm based in the United Kingdom.
This development comes barely weeks after the Securities and Exchange Commission declared the platform illegal, and the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission confirmed an ongoing investigation into the firm’s operations.
CBEX, a digital investment platform, offered investors 100 per cent profit after 30 days of purported AI trading. The trading platform started operations in 2024 after receiving registration approval from the Corporate Affairs Commission on September 25, 2024, and the EFCC’s Special Control Unit Against Money Laundering on January 16, 2025.
No fewer than 600,000 Nigerians reportedly invested in the scheme and lost N1.2tn after it collapsed on April 14, 2025.
Miffed by the development, the EFCC declared eight persons wanted for promoting the program. They include Johnson Oteno, Israel Mbaluka, Joseph Michiro, Serah Michiro, Adefowora Olanipekun, Adefowora Oluwanisola, Emmanuel Uko, and Seyi Oloyede.
On Monday, Adefowora Abiodun, a prominent leader and trader on the platform, voluntarily surrendered himself to the anti-graft agency for interrogation.
Other regulatory agencies, such as the SEC, also condemned the operations of the suspected Ponzi scheme, warning Nigerians to exercise extreme caution and steer clear of investment platforms that offer unrealistic returns under the guise of digital trading.
However, in defiance of regulatory warnings, fresh findings by The PUNCH on Wednesday revealed that more Nigerians are still being lured by promises of quick profits, with new users flocking to the platform in hopes of cashing in on its resumed operations.
One of the sources told one of our correspondents in confidence due to lack of authorisation to speak on the matter, that withdrawal options on the CBEX platform had been reactivated, noting that while new accounts could process withdrawals, funds from older accounts—allegedly wiped—remained inaccessible for now.
The trader noted that the platform is making efforts to clear its name of any allegations of fraud or any association as a Ponzi scheme.
The source said, “People can now withdraw from the CBEX platform. The withdrawal option has been activated. Let me explain the withdrawal. The old account was wiped; you can’t take out funds from it yet. On the 14th of this month, the Artificial Intelligence on the platform traded 100 per cent, lost its trade, and wiped people’s money out.
READ ALSO: CBEX: EFCC Declares Foreigner Wanted
“But now, the promoters are saying that the platform and the CBEX application are insured, with verification of funds ongoing by the insurance company. Now, previous investors who have $1,000 as their capital would have to inject $100, and the former account balance would be restored, while persons with over $1,000 would have to put in $200 to bring back the account balance. And we have started seeing people put in these funds to get back their money, and are using it to trade now, as I talk to you.
“According to the latest information shared, previous investors can only trade but not withdraw because the United Kingdom government is carrying out an audit on their financial account, which will be completed between 30 to 60 days. Hence, the reason why previous investors cannot withdraw their funds yet.
“But from June 25th, you can now withdraw up to 50 per cent of your capital from the old account. For example, if you invested $1,000 and you could only withdraw $200 before, from the 25th, you can withdraw $400 from the remaining $800 capital, then from August 25th, you can withdraw the remaining $400 capital. But if you don’t do the verification, it won’t reflect in your account.”
Another source explained that fresh investors are currently able to register new accounts, fund them, and withdraw profits without restrictions, as the newly created accounts are not subject to ongoing audits.
According to the source, only the old accounts remain under financial review.
The promoters also refute allegations of fraud, insisting that funds remain intact and that the ongoing audit was focused on reconciling discrepancies in old accounts.
“Currently, fresh investors can register a new account, fund it, and withdraw their profit. The new accounts are not under audit. It is the old account that is under review.
“What they are auditing is because the Federal Government said they scammed Nigerians of N1.2tn, and they are insisting that the amount is not up to half of the publicised amount. They are claiming only N126bn was lost, and that is the reason for the audit. But new accounts can now start investing and get their money. There is also a bonus for referrals that you can withdraw immediately, and this is ongoing currently.
“They just want to prove to Nigerians that they are not scammers. It was just because AI traded 100 per cent of the funds that the money was lost. There is a new group where people can say whatever they want to say; they also drop signals for trading three times a day, but it is no longer automated; you have to do it by yourself. They would give you a code; you just have to put it in your account and trade. If you notice any abnormality, you can cancel it. That was how it was before AI started doing the trading,” the source stated.
When questioned on why the audit was not conducted by the Nigerian government, a source explained, “The firm is registered in the United Kingdom, not in Nigeria. They merely extended their operations here. In fact, they also have branches in Kenya, South Africa, and Egypt.”
Similarly, messages sent to a new Telegram group created for information sharing showed that a person could withdraw referral bonuses.
Addressing concerns from interested members in a user group, an admin identified simply as Laura stated that the specific cause of the platform’s issues was still under investigation, adding that the findings of the ongoing probe by the UK government would determine what is eventually made public.
The message read, “There are some factors in the incident on April 14th that I cannot tell you in detail. I can only tell you that Al was attacked and the trading strategy was tampered with.
“This is why some users who did not turn on HOSTING were able to survive. And this attack was definitely not from an individual, because Al’s firewall cannot be easily breached. Including the Bybit hacker incident last month, it was definitely not something that an individual could do. This was an organized and premeditated action.
“The specific cause is under investigation, and we need to wait for the official investigation results of the UK government before we make it public. As for this channel, some scammers affected by ST and online rumour mongers who received donations from scammers deliberately stigmatized the compensation.
“Some rumour mongers even claimed that CBEX administrators transferred more than $800m in assets. These are purely slanderous rumours. An exchange’s payment system can’t have only one common account. The payment system will randomly generate deposit addresses. These are all procedures of the exchange Including any wallet we use now will regularly update the deposit address.”
READ ALSO: CBEX: Investors Will Get Their Money Back – EFCC Assures
According to her, users must first accept the claims process initiated by the insurance company linked to the ST Fund firm.
She said, “We need to accept the claims processing of the insurance company that the ST fund company is tied to.”
The process involves verifying the authenticity of each account before any compensation can be issued for losses allegedly caused by the AI-related incident on April 14.
She added that many users have already begun receiving compensation.
“Moreover, the impact of this incident on the Internet has seriously exceeded our expectations. The UK government has also been negotiating with the Nigerian government.
“So the EFCC of Nigeria also contacted the CBEX official yesterday and provided absolute evidence through ST, proving that the ST fund company has indeed compensated users for their losses. You know the EFCC of Nigeria… If they are not absolutely sure, how can they have such courage to say to the public, ‘you will get your money back?’”
Efforts to get the EFCC’s spokesman, Dele Oyewale, reaction on the latest development proved abortive. He did not pick up calls to his line and was yet to respond to a message sent to him on the matter.
However in furtherance of its investigation, the anti corruption agency has declared a foreign national, Elie Bitar, wanted for his alleged involvement in a cryptocurrency investment fraud linked to the online trading platform, Crypto Bridge Exchange.
In a bulletin released on Wednesday via the commission’s official social media platforms, the EFCC called on members of the public with useful information about Bitar’s whereabouts to contact any of its offices nationwide or reach out through its hotlines and email.
His last known address, according to the EFCC, is Eng. George Enemoh Crescent, Lekki Phase 1, Lagos.
It read, “The public is hereby notified that ELIE BITAR, whose photograph appears above, is wanted by the EFCC for fraud allegedly perpetrated on an online trading platform called Crypto Bridge Exchange.”
Meanwhile, the Nigerian Financial Intelligence Unit has issued a strong advisory warning Nigerians against engaging in unregulated digital asset investment platforms, many of which exhibit traits of Ponzi and pyramid schemes.
In an advisory released on Wednesday, the NFIU flagged multiple online platforms—including eWealth Connect, WWCoin (also known as TOFRO), Delux, and ADK—as posing significant financial risks due to lack of regulatory oversight, unrealistic profit promises, and deceptive marketing tactics.
Among the platforms named, the NFIU described ADK, an investment and betting platform as dangerous to invest in due to its deceptive profit claims, multi-level agent system, and predatory practices in jurisdictions with limited investor protection.
The advisory partly read, “ADK is a high-risk investment and betting platform that profits through a 9 per cent withdrawal fee and investor losses, particularly targeting users in regions without compensation agreements.
“It operates with a multi-level agent system (e.g Junior/Gold Agents) where earnings depend on recruitment and trading losses, while advertising a deceptive 97 per cent win rate that hides low-profit margins. With its reliance on unsustainable recruitment rewards and selection. ADK exhibits strong red flags of a potential Ponzi scheme or scam, making it a dangerous platform for investors.”
READ ALSO: CBEX: Investors Will Get Their Money Back – EFCC Assures
The advisory also said EWC was identified as a community-driven trading platform launching on the Solana blockchain, offering daily P2P auctions and tiered investment packages.
NFIU said, “eWealth Connect is a decentralised, community-driven platform built on the Solana blockchain, designed to revolutionise digital asset trading through peer-to-peer (P2P) auctions. Launching in Q4 2024, it offers features like dual daily trading sessions, transparent pricing, and real-time settlements, with a focus on emerging markets like Nigeria.
‘’The platform’s native EWC token provides utility such as reduced fees, governance rights, and exclusive trading benefits. EWC emphasizes community empowerment, allowing users to participate in platform development and governance while offering tiered investment packages with projected returns. Despite its ambitious roadmap, including international expansion and NFT integration, the platform’s sustainability and regulatory compliance remain to be tested, warranting cautious evaluation by potential users.“
Despite its innovative design and roadmap, the NFIU cautioned that its regulatory compliance remains untested.
The NFIU also cautioned the citizens especially students, freelancers and content creators among others about Delux, a platform designed to help users to monetize their activities online.
“Delux is a platform designed to help users monetise their online activities, particularly through social media engagement (like TikTok), content creation, and completing daily tasks. It promotes financial freedom by offering flexible earning opportunities, such as referral rewards, task-based income, and content monetisation, with an emphasis on simplicity and accessibility.
“While it targets students, freelancers, and creators, users should verify its legitimacy, payment proofs, and terms to ensure it’s not a pyramid scheme or scam. Always research before investing time or money, “ the advisory stated.
The NFIU flagged WWCoin (TOFRO) as exhibiting “classic Ponzi characteristics with its unrealistic daily returns of up to 6 per cent, alongside aggressive deposit incentives and high withdrawal fees.
“WWCoin (aka TOFRO) is a newly launched trading platform (as of October 2024) that offers daily trading signals, deposit bonuses, and promises high returns (1 per cent profit per signal, totaling 6 per cent daily). Key features include a minimum deposit of $100, withdrawal fees (20 per cent before doubling funds, 10 per cent after), and extra signals for larger deposits.
“However, the platform raises significant red flags, such as unrealistic profit claims, high withdrawal fees, lack of regulatory transparency, and aggressive deposit incentives, all common traits of Ponzi schemes or high-risk scams,” the advisory noted.
The advisory highlighted common red flags Nigerians should watch out for, including guaranteed high returns with zero risk and the absence of regulatory approval or licensing.
“Unrealistic or Guaranteed Returns: Promises of fixed daily, weekly, or monthly ROI, e.g “5 per cent daily for life” or “15 per cent or more monthly return.” Claims like “your money works for you 24/7 with zero risk. “It is suspicious because legitimate investments tied to market performance cannot guarantee consistent high returns, especially with crypto volatility,” the advisory stated.
The advisory warned against schemes whose revenue depends on referrals rather than product or service delivery.
READ ALSO: JUST IN: CAC Gives Unregistered Businesses Deadline, Warns Of Jail Term
It said, “Overemphasis on Referrals and Affiliates: Income is primarily earned from recruiting new investors, not from actual product or trading activity. Referral bonuses or commissions for every new investor brought in. Classic pyramid and Ponzi structures rely on continuous recruitment to fund payouts. Use of Newly Created or Unknown Tokens: Platform issues its own token (e.g., “XToken” or “Pinkoin”) with no market value or external exchange listing. Promotes speculative token value without utility or governance model. Many Ponzi schemes mint fake tokens to simulate value and lure victims.
“Fake Partnerships and Credentials: False claims of affiliations with International Organisations like the United Nations, World Bank, Binance, Coinbase, etc. Fabricated endorsements by celebrities or government officials.”
The advisory added, “Opaque Business Model: Vague explanations of how profits are generated e.g.g “AI-driven crypto trading” or “quantum blockchain technology” with no evidence). No whitepaper, audited financials, or identifiable fund managers. It is a red flag because transparency is a hallmark of legitimate financial operations.
“Pressure to Act Quickly: Limited-time offers, countdown clocks, or “investment windows” that push urgency. Fear-of-missing-out (FOMO) tactics like “Top 100 users get double ROI!”. This discourages due diligence and encourages impulse investment. “
The NFIU urged investors to conduct due diligence, consult licensed financial advisers, and report suspicious platforms to relevant authorities.
Furthermore, the Director-General of the Securities and Exchange Commission, Dr Emomotimi Agama, has warned Nigerians that registration with the Corporate Affairs Commission and the Special Control Unit Against Money Laundering under the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission does not confer legitimacy on any investment scheme operating in the country.
Speaking during a sensitisation tour against Ponzi schemes at the Garki Market in Abuja, Agama said, “CAC registration and EFCC certificate is not enough to show that a company is registered with SEC. These are red flags Nigerians must look out for.”
He noted that several companies, both Nigerian and foreign, have taken advantage of citizens by luring them into unregistered investment schemes, adding that the government will not sit back and allow billions of naira to be lost to such operations.
“It is disheartening that some Nigerians and foreign companies have specialised in duping people. The government won’t sit and watch Nigerians being defrauded. That is why the SEC is coming out to educate the people. If it’s too good to be true, then it is likely fraudulent,” Agama said.
The SEC boss added that the Investments and Securities Act, recently signed into law, provides a N20m fine and a 10-year jail term for those involved in Ponzi schemes. He said this new legal framework gives the Commission stronger enforcement powers to tackle illegal investment operations.
Agama further advised Nigerians to always verify the registration status of any investment platform with the SEC before committing their money, warning that training programmes used to lure people into such schemes are also illegal.
(PUNCH)
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News
Congress Newspaper @4: X-Raying The Evolution Of Media In Ijaw Nation
Published
9 hours agoon
July 11, 2025By
Editor
By Joseph Kanjo
When Congress Newspaper/Online TV was launched four years ago, profit wasn’t the priority. “We weren’t looking at making money,” said Comrade Austin Ozobo, Managing Director of Congress Newspaper and a notable rights activist.
“I was in government as a Senior Special Assistant (SSA), and the salary wasn’t much. But I needed a platform where my voice—and the voices of like-minded individuals, especially my people—could be heard. So, I floated it. But today, things have changed. The profits are coming naturally,” he added.
These remarks came during my phone conversation with Comrade Ozobo, just days ahead of Congress Newspaper’s fourth anniversary celebration on July 10, 2025.
A well-known advocate for the rights of the Ijaw people and president of the Ijaw People’s Development Initiative (IPDI), Ozobo emphasized that his primary motivation was to amplify marginalized voices—especially those of his people. He reflected a sentiment similar to that of British musician and activist Peter Gabriel, who once said, “Those of us who have the eyes and ears of the media have a responsibility to amplify the voices of the voiceless.”
READ ALSO: IPDI Commends Tompolo, Pondis, For Peace, Youth Empowerment, Security In N’Delta
Fifteen years ago, it would have been difficult to count more than a handful of media outlets—whether big or small—owned or managed by individuals Ijaw from the Ijaw extraction.
Despite the many challenges faced by the Ijaw people, particularly due to the complex terrain they inhabit, their voices were largely absent from national conversations.
But today, that narrative has changed—thanks in part to the rise of online media. Now, there are numerous media outlets owned and managed by Ijaw sons and daughters, both in digital and print formats.
These platforms—each with its own mission and vision—nonetheless share a common thread: they give a voice to the people of the creeks, from whose experiences they often draw inspiration.
Some notable Ijaw-owned indigenous media platforms include:
GbaramatuVoice, Ijaw Voice, Ijaw Heritage TV, Arogbe Ibe Reporters, Iduwini Voice, Ogulagha Vanguards, and Egbema Voice.
In addition, several media outlets with broader or foreign-sounding names are also run by Ijaw professionals, including:
Info Daily, The Liberator, Coastal Times, Penglobal, Focal Point Reports, Dailynews Report, Waffi TV, Niger Delta Mirror, Niger Delta Herald, Daily Watch, and Mangrovepen.
READ ALSO: Group Urges Public To Disregard Reports Of Rift Between Otuaro And King Ateke
Congress Newspaper/TV, though relatively new, has firmly established itself among these platforms as a consistent voice advocating for the Ijaw cause and broader Niger Delta interests.
Some may argue that media organizations should be neutral and unbiased. While this principle remains fundamental to ethical journalism, one cannot ignore the impact of ownership. Around the world, media ownership often shapes editorial direction, intentionally or not.
During his welcome address at the fourth anniversary celebration, Comrade Ozobo reiterated the newspaper’s founding vision: to provide not just information, but empowerment for Niger Delta communities.
“Our mission has always been to champion the voices that often go unheard and to shine a light on the issues that matter most to our people,” he said.
“We believe in the power of ethical journalism, and we remain committed to being a steadfast voice for justice, equity, and truth.”
Ozobo’s words speak to a broader truth: in media, ownership matters. And when that ownership is rooted in community-driven passion and purpose—as it is with Congress Newspaper—it becomes a powerful vehicle for social change.
As Congress Newspaper marks its fourth year, it stands not just as a media outlet, but as a movement—one that continues to reshape the media landscape in the Ijaw nation and beyond.
Joseph Ebi Kanjo is a practising journalist and Managing Editor of INFO DAILY.
editor@infodailyng.com
News
Supreme Court: Jubilant Supporters Stunned, Locked Out Of Edo Govt House [PHOTOS]
Published
14 hours agoon
July 11, 2025By
Editor
Jubilant supporters of Governor Monday Okpebholo Edo State, were on Friday disappointed as they were locked out from the Edo State Government House, Benin City.
The order not to allow anyone to access the government house was reportedly from an order from above.
The supporters, which included market women and members of the All Progressives Congress (APC), had gathered at the Benin Airport about 7am, to give the governor a rousing welcome.
The gathering followed Okpebholo’s triumph at the 2024 governorship election legal dispute at the Supreme Court in the nation’s capital, Abuja.
READ ALSO: Okpebholo Approves N1bn Annual Bursary For Edo Students
Okpebholo, whose aircraft touched down at the Benin Airport at about 12.40pm was welcomed by the supporters amid jubilation.
The supporters, many of whom were not mobile, proceeded on foot in a road procession with governor Okpebholo’s motorcades- chanting solidarity songs.
The procession, which lasted for about an hour, terminated at the Edo State Government House where the supporters were informed by security operatives that only Very Important Personalities (VIPs) would be allowed into the government house for refreshments.
The bewildered supporters took turns to lament the development, with many raining insults on the authorities.
READ ALSO: Edo: S’Court Reserves Verdict On Ighodalo’s Case Against Okpebholo
One of the supporters who identified herself as Mrs. Ebosele Omogiate said: “In the worst moments of ex-governor Godwin Obaseki, supporters and members were not shabbily treated like this.
“They have won now and have decided to build a wall around themselves,” she added.
“I left my house before 7am for the airport and stood under the sun for hours before the arrival of the governor.
“We engaged on a road show with him to the government house, only for us to be shut out. This treatment melted on us is unfair,” another supporter added.
Earlier, addressing the crowd, Governor Okpebholo thanked God for his victory at the Supreme Court.
He promised that in the next two years, Edo people will know that they have a governor.

Tunde Odesola
The presidential convoy spread out on the Third Mainland Bridge like a cloud of bats on seasonal migration. Sirens screamed. Lights flashed. The convoy of vehicles unfolds like the hail of light produced when the welder’s electrode kisses a metal, shraaaah! shraaaah! E plenty like iná wédà to fóká síbè.
As an insect enthusiast with particular love for beekeeping (cockroaches and bedbugs not included, please), I know that bees, ants and wasps have no kings, but queens, who guard-bees protect with their lives. However, termites have kings and queens, both of whom soldier termites protect with their last blood.
Be they bees, ants, wasps or termites, I love watching the life of cooperation, protection, order and hard work among insects. I love their guards’ provision of security for all and sundry, unlike the guards in this presidential convoy, whose only duty is the protection of the President, his family and bootlickers.
Measuring 11.8 kilometres, the Third Mainland Bridge, a massive masterpiece of concrete and steel work stretching over the Lagos Lagoon, was started in 1975 by the General Yakubu Gowon military administration, and continued by General Murtala Mohammed’s six-month government, before President Shehu Shagari stepped into the picture and did his bit. However, it was General Ibrahim Babangida who took credit for the bridge construction because he ensured its completion in 1990.
If the charismatic Babangida didn’t annul the June 12, 1993 presidential election won by Chief MKO Abiola, he almost certainly would have been preferred by Nigerians to shed his military khaki for the agbada of politics, instead of the less gifted and dour General Muhammadu Buhari, who later got the presidency on fake promises.
Regrettably, Babangida apparently lost political goodwill, honour, peace of mind and two terms of civilian presidency to the June 12 annulment. Little did Nigerians know that the official name of the Third Mainland Bridge is Ibrahim Babangida Bridge, but nobody remembers that; people only remember the abortion of June 12. The things men do, live with them.
It was on this Ibrahim Babangida Bridge that the presidential convoy set out en route to the airport. Jesu! Not even the president of the richest and most powerful nation on earth, Donald Trump, has such a long motorcade. From my vantage point, I counted the number of vehicles in the convoy. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 15, 20, 30, 40…Ha! Kilode? Is the president japaing? Probably to make counting difficult, the outriders zigzagged and crisscrossed. So, I stopped at 40-something.
But in the middle of the armoured pack, I saw three Rolls-Royce Phantoms, three Cadillac Escalades, three Mercedes-Benzes, three Cybertrucks and three state-of-the-art buses. None of the cars in the convoy was assembled in Nigeria, despite the government’s avowed propaganda about patronising Made-in-Nigeria goods; not even the wash towels used for cleaning the vehicles were made in Nigeria, nor the foot mats.
MORE FROM THE AUTHOR: OPINION: The Owner Of Èkó And His Dogs
Everywhere was on lockdown: air, land and sea – forcing the sun to hide behind the clouds, and birds vacated the air while the poor man’s movement was put on hold by those he voted for. Only the convoy moved. I yawned inside a Lagos BRT vehicle, wondering why the big men’s movement should stop the movement of citizens on the opposite side of the bridge.
This was when the window of one of the three buses opened, and I glimpsed Nigeria’s most recognisable cap, with its trademark chain symbol, the chain of oppression.
“Haa! Bàba Bàbá ni o! Olowo Eko ni ooo!” a youngster hawking alcoholic drinks and bottled water in traffic shrieked. “It’s the BAT, King BAT, the Lord of Lagos!” a hawker of plantain chips screamed, jumping, “I saw him! I saw him! Baba smiled and waved at me! Baba waved at me! The Asiwaju of the Universe waved at me!” A cripple, who begs in traffic, hissed and shook his head, “Una dey praise those who chain una? Ok o, make una kontiniu, una never see anything.”
The heat in the BRT was stifling, and sweat poured from skin pores. Thoughts of Nigeria flooded my mind. Since I was born and now that I am getting old, I have never seen Nigeria changeth (for good).
Inside the armoured bus, seated at the feet of the Lord of Lagos were members of his innermost circle – Noisome Winke, IdanFemi Gbabiamila, Baba Chief AdeBC, Jide-Olu, and Natasha coveter, Chief Dogswill Akpabi.
READ ALSO: [OPINION] 2027: Tinubu And The Snake
In the fleeting moment when the Lord of Lagos let down his window, I saw his gaze travel beyond the hailing roadside traders, resting on the 13-storey Senate Building of the University of Lagos, across the lagoon. I saw desire lit up in his eyes. “My name will suit the university more than its current name. What is UNILAG? Why not UNIBAT?
Winke, the ultimate bootlicker and mind reader, will not miss the opportunity to massage the ego of the Lord of Lagos. Though he cleared his throat, the frog in it would not keep silent. “Jide-Olu, don’t you think you should name UNILAG and this world’s best bridge after our personal Lord and Saviour?” Jide-Olu smiled, “No, Winke. UNILAG and the Third Mainland Bridge do not belong to the state. They belong to the centre, which is headed by our Lord and Saviour.”
Sounding more like a masquerader battling stomach upset during a market show, Winke said, “Uhmm, it doesn’t matter, you can start the call from your end – that our leader deserves the university to be renamed after him. Or does he not?” Jide-Olu, “Why not, if not? In fact, I suggest we should call on the National Assembly to name all federal universities and polytechnics after our leader. That way, the nation will save money.”
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Lord of Lagos: What do you think about these suggestions, Natasha, oh sorry, I mean, Akpabi?
Akpabi: (Smiles like a child eating ice cream, his special Ibibio accent booming loud and clear) Ha, you are our òká o. And, as our òká, iris not too much if we name Nigeria after you, I swear. Nigerians cannot reyect it. On Monday, the yoint session will rook at how we are going to do it, so that the opposition and Nigeria Rabour Congress will not begin their wahala.”
Lord of Lagos: Baba AdeBC, what do you think?
Baba AdeBC: Well, it’s not a bad idea for Nigeria to show gratefulness to her messiah and defender. I think it’s a good idea. (Baba AdeBC beams his trademark smile, which is as lifeless as the beach foam left behind on the shore by the roaring ocean)
Idanfemi: Your Excellency, you have a phone call from the US President, sir.
Lord of Lagos: Oh, connect me, Idanfemi.
Trump: How’re you doing, BAT?
Lord of Lagos: I’m doing great, Donald. Thank you. How’re you and your wonderful family?
Trump: We’re fine, and thanks for asking. Hey BAT, can I pick your brain real quick?
Lord of Lagos: Ha! No oooo; leave my brain alone o. Please, don’t pick it. My brain is old already. Ma se erekere iwo arakunrin yi. When you know you need Nigerian brains, why did you restrict your visa to three-month single entry? If you want millions of Nigerian brains, you open your borders for 24 hours and see.
Trump: No, you’re getting me wrong. I don’t mean to pick your brain literally, I mean to ask for your knowledge and advice on some issues.
Lord of Lagos: Oh, I see. Fear don catch me. I don’t want anything to touch this my political brain o.
MORE FROM THE AUTHOR:OPINION: Will Nigeria Be As Lucky As King Sunny Ade?
Trump: Exactly what I’m saying! That your political brain is what I want to pick. I just saw your convoy on CNN! How do you afford such a large convoy and retinue of sycophants?
Lord of Lagos: That’s not for me to worry. The state takes care of that.
Trump: OMG! You mean the state bears the brunt of all that drain on taxpayers’ money? Are you kidding me!? I think it’s better to be president of your shithole than be president of America, seriously.
Lord of Lagos: You have come with this shithole thing again, Donald? You’re not serious.
Trump: Can you believe that as president, I pay for the food my family and I eat, I pay for drinks and clothes. I pay for private parties when I host them, I pay for gifts when I buy them for foreign dignitaries, I cover my vacation accommodations, and I pay for private events hosted outside the White House. Additionally, I pay for general household items like toilet paper, toothpaste, and garbage bags. Do you know that Bill Clinton incurred $16 million in debt for legal and personal investigation fees, which he paid over time?
Lord of Lagos: (Bursts into laughter) And you say you’re prezdent? Hahahahah! You’re prezdent indeed. Hahahaha! Yes, you’re the most powerful prezdent on earth, but are you the most indulged? Certainly, no! You’re just an administrative paper prezdent, I’m the ultimate ruler.
Trump: I wish we could trade places.
Lord of Lagos: Ha, trade places ke? No ooo! Let me be prezdent of this shithole, you continue to be prezdent of your superpower country. Stay with your democracy. I’ll stay with my empire. I don’t want to be Prezdent of America. I don’t wan die in prison, please.
Email: tundeodes2003@yahoo.com
Facebook: @Tunde Odesola
X: @Tunde_Odesolap
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