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OPINION: BAT Rejects Trump’s Amazing Offer

Published

2 months ago

July 11, 2025

Editor

Tunde Odesola

The presidential convoy spread out on the Third Mainland Bridge like a cloud of bats on seasonal migration. Sirens screamed. Lights flashed. The convoy of vehicles unfolds like the hail of light produced when the welder’s electrode kisses a metal, shraaaah! shraaaah! E plenty like iná wédà to fóká síbè.

As an insect enthusiast with particular love for beekeeping (cockroaches and bedbugs not included, please), I know that bees, ants and wasps have no kings, but queens, who guard-bees protect with their lives. However, termites have kings and queens, both of whom soldier termites protect with their last blood.

Be they bees, ants, wasps or termites, I love watching the life of cooperation, protection, order and hard work among insects. I love their guards’ provision of security for all and sundry, unlike the guards in this presidential convoy, whose only duty is the protection of the President, his family and bootlickers.

Measuring 11.8 kilometres, the Third Mainland Bridge, a massive masterpiece of concrete and steel work stretching over the Lagos Lagoon, was started in 1975 by the General Yakubu Gowon military administration, and continued by General Murtala Mohammed’s six-month government, before President Shehu Shagari stepped into the picture and did his bit. However, it was General Ibrahim Babangida who took credit for the bridge construction because he ensured its completion in 1990.

If the charismatic Babangida didn’t annul the June 12, 1993 presidential election won by Chief MKO Abiola, he almost certainly would have been preferred by Nigerians to shed his military khaki for the agbada of politics, instead of the less gifted and dour General Muhammadu Buhari, who later got the presidency on fake promises.

Regrettably, Babangida apparently lost political goodwill, honour, peace of mind and two terms of civilian presidency to the June 12 annulment. Little did Nigerians know that the official name of the Third Mainland Bridge is Ibrahim Babangida Bridge, but nobody remembers that; people only remember the abortion of June 12. The things men do, live with them.

It was on this Ibrahim Babangida Bridge that the presidential convoy set out en route to the airport. Jesu! Not even the president of the richest and most powerful nation on earth, Donald Trump, has such a long motorcade. From my vantage point, I counted the number of vehicles in the convoy. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 15, 20, 30, 40…Ha! Kilode? Is the president japaing? Probably to make counting difficult, the outriders zigzagged and crisscrossed. So, I stopped at 40-something.

But in the middle of the armoured pack, I saw three Rolls-Royce Phantoms, three Cadillac Escalades, three Mercedes-Benzes, three Cybertrucks and three state-of-the-art buses. None of the cars in the convoy was assembled in Nigeria, despite the government’s avowed propaganda about patronising Made-in-Nigeria goods; not even the wash towels used for cleaning the vehicles were made in Nigeria, nor the foot mats.

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Everywhere was on lockdown: air, land and sea – forcing the sun to hide behind the clouds, and birds vacated the air while the poor man’s movement was put on hold by those he voted for. Only the convoy moved. I yawned inside a Lagos BRT vehicle, wondering why the big men’s movement should stop the movement of citizens on the opposite side of the bridge.

This was when the window of one of the three buses opened, and I glimpsed Nigeria’s most recognisable cap, with its trademark chain symbol, the chain of oppression.

“Haa! Bàba Bàbá ni o! Olowo Eko ni ooo!” a youngster hawking alcoholic drinks and bottled water in traffic shrieked. “It’s the BAT, King BAT, the Lord of Lagos!” a hawker of plantain chips screamed, jumping, “I saw him! I saw him! Baba smiled and waved at me! Baba waved at me! The Asiwaju of the Universe waved at me!” A cripple, who begs in traffic, hissed and shook his head, “Una dey praise those who chain una? Ok o, make una kontiniu, una never see anything.”

The heat in the BRT was stifling, and sweat poured from skin pores. Thoughts of Nigeria flooded my mind. Since I was born and now that I am getting old, I have never seen Nigeria changeth (for good).

Inside the armoured bus, seated at the feet of the Lord of Lagos were members of his innermost circle – Noisome Winke, IdanFemi Gbabiamila, Baba Chief AdeBC, Jide-Olu, and Natasha coveter, Chief Dogswill Akpabi.

In the fleeting moment when the Lord of Lagos let down his window, I saw his gaze travel beyond the hailing roadside traders, resting on the 13-storey Senate Building of the University of Lagos, across the lagoon. I saw desire lit up in his eyes. “My name will suit the university more than its current name. What is UNILAG? Why not UNIBAT?

Winke, the ultimate bootlicker and mind reader, will not miss the opportunity to massage the ego of the Lord of Lagos. Though he cleared his throat, the frog in it would not keep silent. “Jide-Olu, don’t you think you should name UNILAG and this world’s best bridge after our personal Lord and Saviour?” Jide-Olu smiled, “No, Winke. UNILAG and the Third Mainland Bridge do not belong to the state. They belong to the centre, which is headed by our Lord and Saviour.”

Sounding more like a masquerader battling stomach upset during a market show, Winke said, “Uhmm, it doesn’t matter, you can start the call from your end – that our leader deserves the university to be renamed after him. Or does he not?” Jide-Olu, “Why not, if not? In fact, I suggest we should call on the National Assembly to name all federal universities and polytechnics after our leader. That way, the nation will save money.”

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Lord of Lagos: What do you think about these suggestions, Natasha, oh sorry, I mean, Akpabi?

Akpabi: (Smiles like a child eating ice cream, his special Ibibio accent booming loud and clear) Ha, you are our òká o. And, as our òká, iris not too much if we name Nigeria after you, I swear. Nigerians cannot reyect it. On Monday, the yoint session will rook at how we are going to do it, so that the opposition and Nigeria Rabour Congress will not begin their wahala.”

Lord of Lagos: Baba AdeBC, what do you think?

Baba AdeBC: Well, it’s not a bad idea for Nigeria to show gratefulness to her messiah and defender. I think it’s a good idea. (Baba AdeBC beams his trademark smile, which is as lifeless as the beach foam left behind on the shore by the roaring ocean)

Idanfemi: Your Excellency, you have a phone call from the US President, sir.

Lord of Lagos: Oh, connect me, Idanfemi.

Trump: How’re you doing, BAT?

Lord of Lagos: I’m doing great, Donald. Thank you. How’re you and your wonderful family?

Trump: We’re fine, and thanks for asking. Hey BAT, can I pick your brain real quick?

Lord of Lagos: Ha! No oooo; leave my brain alone o. Please, don’t pick it. My brain is old already. Ma se erekere iwo arakunrin yi. When you know you need Nigerian brains, why did you restrict your visa to three-month single entry? If you want millions of Nigerian brains, you open your borders for 24 hours and see.

Trump: No, you’re getting me wrong. I don’t mean to pick your brain literally, I mean to ask for your knowledge and advice on some issues.

Lord of Lagos: Oh, I see. Fear don catch me. I don’t want anything to touch this my political brain o.

Trump: Exactly what I’m saying! That your political brain is what I want to pick. I just saw your convoy on CNN! How do you afford such a large convoy and retinue of sycophants?

Lord of Lagos: That’s not for me to worry. The state takes care of that.

Trump: OMG! You mean the state bears the brunt of all that drain on taxpayers’ money? Are you kidding me!? I think it’s better to be president of your shithole than be president of America, seriously.

Lord of Lagos: You have come with this shithole thing again, Donald? You’re not serious.

Trump: Can you believe that as president, I pay for the food my family and I eat, I pay for drinks and clothes. I pay for private parties when I host them, I pay for gifts when I buy them for foreign dignitaries, I cover my vacation accommodations, and I pay for private events hosted outside the White House. Additionally, I pay for general household items like toilet paper, toothpaste, and garbage bags. Do you know that Bill Clinton incurred $16 million in debt for legal and personal investigation fees, which he paid over time?

Lord of Lagos: (Bursts into laughter) And you say you’re prezdent? Hahahahah! You’re prezdent indeed. Hahahaha! Yes, you’re the most powerful prezdent on earth, but are you the most indulged? Certainly, no! You’re just an administrative paper prezdent, I’m the ultimate ruler.

Trump: I wish we could trade places.

Lord of Lagos: Ha, trade places ke? No ooo! Let me be prezdent of this shithole, you continue to be prezdent of your superpower country. Stay with your democracy. I’ll stay with my empire. I don’t want to be Prezdent of America. I don’t wan die in prison, please.

Email: tundeodes2003@yahoo.com

Facebook: @Tunde Odesola

X: @Tunde_Odesolap

News

Edo Sports Commission Boss Celebrates Okpehbolo On Birthday

Published

4 hours ago

August 29, 2025

Editor

The Executive Chairman of the Edo State Sports Commission, Hon. Amadin Desmond Enabulele, has felicated with Governor Monday Okpebholo, on the occasion of his birthday.

In a statement issued on Friday by his Media Officer, Edoko Wilson Edoko, Enabulele Okpebholo as a visionary leader whose dedication to the growth and development of the state has continued to inspire confidence and admiration across all sectors, especially sports.

Enabulele, who highlighted the governor’s unwavering commitment to youth empowerment through sports development, noted that under his leadership, Edo State has witnessed significant strides in grassroots sporting initiatives and infrastructure.

“His Excellency, Senator Monday Okpebholo, is not just a political leader but a beacon of hope for the younger generation.

“His passion for excellence and inclusive governance is evident in the way he has continued to support policies that uplift our youths and promote sporting excellence,” the statement read.

The Executive Chairman prayed for long life, good health, and continued wisdom for the governor as he steers the affairs of the state towards greater prosperity.

“On behalf of the entire Edo State Sports Commission, I extend our warmest birthday wishes to His Excellency at 55. May this new chapter of his life be filled with more accomplishments and divine grace,” he added.

News

Oba Of Benin Suspends Palace Chiefs

Published

14 hours ago

August 28, 2025

Editor

The Oba of Benin, Ewuare II, has suspended two of his chiefs for falling for dereliction of duties.

This was contained in a statement signed by the Secretary to the Benin Traditional Council (BTC), Frank Irabor and made available to journalists in Benin City.

He said their suspension was as a result of their long absence from the palace, resulting in their failure to carry out their palace responsibilities.

The suspended persons are: Chief John Igiehon, the Izuwako of Benin and chief Aimiukpomonyako Oghogho (Ebengho), the Oyenmwensoba of Benin.

“The under-mentioned two (2) chiefs have been suspended from the Palace of the Oba of Benin.

“This is as a result of their long absence from the Palace, resulting in their failure to carry out their Palace responsibilities.

“The public is advised to be wary of unscrupulous chiefs that are no longer functioning in the Palace. His Royal Majesty has approved their _ Suspension and directed the public be duly informed.

“The names of the chiefs are: – ; 1. CHIEF JOHN IGIEHON, THE IZUWAKO OF BENIN and, _ 2 CHIEF AIMIUKPOMONYAKO OGHOGHO (EBENGHO), THE OYENMWENSOBA OF BENIN”, the statement said.

News

Lawyers Fault EFCC Statement, Say It’s Misleading

Published

15 hours ago

August 28, 2025

Editor

Some legal practitioners in Bauchi state have faulted the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) official statement about their client on Wednesday, adding that it was erroneous, false and misleading.

It could be recalled that EFCC posted on its official Facebook handle that a Bauchi State High Court has cleared the commission to proceed with its investigation of a former Chairman of the Peoples Democratic Party in Bauchi State, Hamza Koshe, and his company, Pentech Engineering Nigeria Ltd.

According to the EFCC statement, the commission said Justice Aliyu Baba, in a judgment delivered on July 30, 2025, dismissed an application by Koshe seeking to restrain the EFCC and the Independent Corrupt Practices and Other Related Offences Commission from probing him.

However, in a statement jointly signed and made available to newsmen in Bauchi on Thursday by Jibrin S. Jibrin Esq, M.M. Usman Esq, H.B. Pali Esq, Abbas Ibrahim Esq, I.G. Agwam Esq and Salome Audu Esq all counsel to Pentech Engineering Nigeria Ltd & Anor as well as Koshe insisted that the statement was misleading.

According to them, the EFCC owed the public the duty of relating only the truth of what the courts decided as regards the contract financing agreement in the issues their clients were parties.

“Our attention as the legal representatives of Pentech Engineering Nigeria Ltd & Alhaji Hamza Koshe in respect of suit No. BA/271/2024 has been drawn to the statement posted on the official page of the EFCC on Wednesday, where the Commission supposedly rendered an analysis of the judgement delivered by the High Court of Justice No. 4 Bauchi Presided by Justice Aliyu Usman on the 30th July 2025.

“Now against the background of the erroneous, false and misleading publication by the EFCC on the matter, we deem it necessary to set the records straight by stating what actually is the truth of the matter in terms of the enrolled judgment Order of the Court to which this press release is attached.

“It is proper to state as a fact that in an earlier judgement relating to the subject of this release, the verdict of the High Court of Justice No. 10 Bauchi presided by Justice M. M. Abubakar delivered on the 19th December, 2024 is to the effect that the Contract Financing Agreement the subject matter of the suit having been found to be valid and not contravening any law remains enforceable hence, Pentech Engineering Nigeria Ltd is accorded the applicable injunctive reliefs as regards the activities of the Commission.

“We state as a fact that the main question of law determined in Justice Aliyu Baba Usman’s judgment is to the effect that the Contract Financing Agreement the subject of the suit is valid.

“The EFCC failed to state in its statement in reference the fact that many parties and contractors concerned or involved in the Contract Financing Agreement in the issue have been invited by the Commission with virtually all of them responding, honoring its invitation on the matter and thereby discharging their legal obligation speak volumes of ‘the bidding of some’ which the publication seeks to achieve ab initio,” said the lawyers.

The counsel added that the mischief and deliberate misrepresentation in EFCC’s statement could be seen when not only did it make no mention of this fact but also created the impression that their clients went to Court to evade investigation on the matter.

They said that Koshe was a guest of the Commission having honored its invitation in September 2024 which he was released on administrative bail, the terms and conditions applicable to which he has been observing.

“It is also important to clarify as a fact that there is no truth at all in the Commission’s statement to the effect that our client sought a perpetual injunction of general nature against the Commission’s activities.

“The truth about the reliefs sought by our clients is as contained in the Court’s processes filed in the suit in reference.

“We challenge the Commission to provide evidence of where our client ever sought a perpetual injunction at large or of general nature against it or any other body duly established by law.

“We urge members of the public to disregard in its entirety EFCC’s statement on the subject and be guided in its stead by the facts as contained in the relevant court processes to which this release is attached,” he said.