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OPINION: BAT Rejects Trump’s Amazing Offer

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Tunde Odesola

The presidential convoy spread out on the Third Mainland Bridge like a cloud of bats on seasonal migration. Sirens screamed. Lights flashed. The convoy of vehicles unfolds like the hail of light produced when the welder’s electrode kisses a metal, shraaaah! shraaaah! E plenty like iná wédà to fóká síbè.

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As an insect enthusiast with particular love for beekeeping (cockroaches and bedbugs not included, please), I know that bees, ants and wasps have no kings, but queens, who guard-bees protect with their lives. However, termites have kings and queens, both of whom soldier termites protect with their last blood.

Be they bees, ants, wasps or termites, I love watching the life of cooperation, protection, order and hard work among insects. I love their guards’ provision of security for all and sundry, unlike the guards in this presidential convoy, whose only duty is the protection of the President, his family and bootlickers.

Measuring 11.8 kilometres, the Third Mainland Bridge, a massive masterpiece of concrete and steel work stretching over the Lagos Lagoon, was started in 1975 by the General Yakubu Gowon military administration, and continued by General Murtala Mohammed’s six-month government, before President Shehu Shagari stepped into the picture and did his bit. However, it was General Ibrahim Babangida who took credit for the bridge construction because he ensured its completion in 1990.

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If the charismatic Babangida didn’t annul the June 12, 1993 presidential election won by Chief MKO Abiola, he almost certainly would have been preferred by Nigerians to shed his military khaki for the agbada of politics, instead of the less gifted and dour General Muhammadu Buhari, who later got the presidency on fake promises.

Regrettably, Babangida apparently lost political goodwill, honour, peace of mind and two terms of civilian presidency to the June 12 annulment. Little did Nigerians know that the official name of the Third Mainland Bridge is Ibrahim Babangida Bridge, but nobody remembers that; people only remember the abortion of June 12. The things men do, live with them.

It was on this Ibrahim Babangida Bridge that the presidential convoy set out en route to the airport. Jesu! Not even the president of the richest and most powerful nation on earth, Donald Trump, has such a long motorcade. From my vantage point, I counted the number of vehicles in the convoy. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 15, 20, 30, 40…Ha! Kilode? Is the president japaing? Probably to make counting difficult, the outriders zigzagged and crisscrossed. So, I stopped at 40-something.

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But in the middle of the armoured pack, I saw three Rolls-Royce Phantoms, three Cadillac Escalades, three Mercedes-Benzes, three Cybertrucks and three state-of-the-art buses. None of the cars in the convoy was assembled in Nigeria, despite the government’s avowed propaganda about patronising Made-in-Nigeria goods; not even the wash towels used for cleaning the vehicles were made in Nigeria, nor the foot mats.

MORE FROM THE AUTHOR: OPINION: The Owner Of Èkó And His Dogs

Everywhere was on lockdown: air, land and sea – forcing the sun to hide behind the clouds, and birds vacated the air while the poor man’s movement was put on hold by those he voted for. Only the convoy moved. I yawned inside a Lagos BRT vehicle, wondering why the big men’s movement should stop the movement of citizens on the opposite side of the bridge.

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This was when the window of one of the three buses opened, and I glimpsed Nigeria’s most recognisable cap, with its trademark chain symbol, the chain of oppression.

“Haa! Bàba Bàbá ni o! Olowo Eko ni ooo!” a youngster hawking alcoholic drinks and bottled water in traffic shrieked. “It’s the BAT, King BAT, the Lord of Lagos!” a hawker of plantain chips screamed, jumping, “I saw him! I saw him! Baba smiled and waved at me! Baba waved at me! The Asiwaju of the Universe waved at me!” A cripple, who begs in traffic, hissed and shook his head, “Una dey praise those who chain una? Ok o, make una kontiniu, una never see anything.”

The heat in the BRT was stifling, and sweat poured from skin pores. Thoughts of Nigeria flooded my mind. Since I was born and now that I am getting old, I have never seen Nigeria changeth (for good).

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Inside the armoured bus, seated at the feet of the Lord of Lagos were members of his innermost circle – Noisome Winke, IdanFemi Gbabiamila, Baba Chief AdeBC, Jide-Olu, and Natasha coveter, Chief Dogswill Akpabi.

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In the fleeting moment when the Lord of Lagos let down his window, I saw his gaze travel beyond the hailing roadside traders, resting on the 13-storey Senate Building of the University of Lagos, across the lagoon. I saw desire lit up in his eyes. “My name will suit the university more than its current name. What is UNILAG? Why not UNIBAT?

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Winke, the ultimate bootlicker and mind reader, will not miss the opportunity to massage the ego of the Lord of Lagos. Though he cleared his throat, the frog in it would not keep silent. “Jide-Olu, don’t you think you should name UNILAG and this world’s best bridge after our personal Lord and Saviour?” Jide-Olu smiled, “No, Winke. UNILAG and the Third Mainland Bridge do not belong to the state. They belong to the centre, which is headed by our Lord and Saviour.”

Sounding more like a masquerader battling stomach upset during a market show, Winke said, “Uhmm, it doesn’t matter, you can start the call from your end – that our leader deserves the university to be renamed after him. Or does he not?” Jide-Olu, “Why not, if not? In fact, I suggest we should call on the National Assembly to name all federal universities and polytechnics after our leader. That way, the nation will save money.”

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Lord of Lagos: What do you think about these suggestions, Natasha, oh sorry, I mean, Akpabi?

Akpabi: (Smiles like a child eating ice cream, his special Ibibio accent booming loud and clear) Ha, you are our òká o. And, as our òká, iris not too much if we name Nigeria after you, I swear. Nigerians cannot reyect it. On Monday, the yoint session will rook at how we are going to do it, so that the opposition and Nigeria Rabour Congress will not begin their wahala.”

Lord of Lagos: Baba AdeBC, what do you think?

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Baba AdeBC: Well, it’s not a bad idea for Nigeria to show gratefulness to her messiah and defender. I think it’s a good idea. (Baba AdeBC beams his trademark smile, which is as lifeless as the beach foam left behind on the shore by the roaring ocean)

Idanfemi: Your Excellency, you have a phone call from the US President, sir.

Lord of Lagos: Oh, connect me, Idanfemi.

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Trump: How’re you doing, BAT?

Lord of Lagos: I’m doing great, Donald. Thank you. How’re you and your wonderful family?

Trump: We’re fine, and thanks for asking. Hey BAT, can I pick your brain real quick?

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Lord of Lagos: Ha! No oooo; leave my brain alone o. Please, don’t pick it. My brain is old already. Ma se erekere iwo arakunrin yi. When you know you need Nigerian brains, why did you restrict your visa to three-month single entry? If you want millions of Nigerian brains, you open your borders for 24 hours and see.

Trump: No, you’re getting me wrong. I don’t mean to pick your brain literally, I mean to ask for your knowledge and advice on some issues.

Lord of Lagos: Oh, I see. Fear don catch me. I don’t want anything to touch this my political brain o.

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MORE FROM THE AUTHOR:OPINION: Will Nigeria Be As Lucky As King Sunny Ade?

Trump: Exactly what I’m saying! That your political brain is what I want to pick. I just saw your convoy on CNN! How do you afford such a large convoy and retinue of sycophants?

Lord of Lagos: That’s not for me to worry. The state takes care of that.

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Trump: OMG! You mean the state bears the brunt of all that drain on taxpayers’ money? Are you kidding me!? I think it’s better to be president of your shithole than be president of America, seriously.

Lord of Lagos: You have come with this shithole thing again, Donald? You’re not serious.

Trump: Can you believe that as president, I pay for the food my family and I eat, I pay for drinks and clothes. I pay for private parties when I host them, I pay for gifts when I buy them for foreign dignitaries, I cover my vacation accommodations, and I pay for private events hosted outside the White House. Additionally, I pay for general household items like toilet paper, toothpaste, and garbage bags. Do you know that Bill Clinton incurred $16 million in debt for legal and personal investigation fees, which he paid over time?

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Lord of Lagos: (Bursts into laughter) And you say you’re prezdent? Hahahahah! You’re prezdent indeed. Hahahaha! Yes, you’re the most powerful prezdent on earth, but are you the most indulged? Certainly, no! You’re just an administrative paper prezdent, I’m the ultimate ruler.

Trump: I wish we could trade places.

Lord of Lagos: Ha, trade places ke? No ooo! Let me be prezdent of this shithole, you continue to be prezdent of your superpower country. Stay with your democracy. I’ll stay with my empire. I don’t want to be Prezdent of America. I don’t wan die in prison, please.

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Email: tundeodes2003@yahoo.com

Facebook: @Tunde Odesola

X: @Tunde_Odesolap

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Nestle Sacks CEO Over Office Romance

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Swiss food giant, Nestle, on Monday dismissed Laurent Freixe as chief executive with immediate effect over an “undisclosed romantic relationship with a direct subordinate.”

The multinational behind Nespresso coffee capsules and KitKat chocolate bars said Freixe’s dismissal followed an investigation.

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In a swift move, Nespresso CEO, Philipp Navratil, was appointed to take over by his fellow board members.

The departure of Laurent Freixe follows an investigation into an undisclosed romantic relationship with a direct subordinate which breached Nestle’s code of business conduct,” a statement said.

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The board said it had ordered an investigation overseen by chairman Paul Bulcke and lead independent director Pablo Isla, with the support of outside counsel.

This was a necessary decision. Nestle’s values and governance are strong foundations of our company. I thank Laurent for his years of service,” Bulcke said in a statement.

A company veteran, Freixe joined Nestle in France in 1986. He ran the firm’s European operations until 2014, steering them through the subprime and euro crises that began in 2008.

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He headed the Latin America division before his promotion as CEO.

Freixe had only been in the top spot since a surprise switch in September 2024, entrusted with reversing soft spending by consumers for the company’s food and household goods.

READ ALSO:Soludo Sacks Vigilante Operatives Over Assaults On Female Corps Member

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Nestle’s share price slumped by nearly a quarter last year, raising concerns in Switzerland, where pension funds invest heavily in the company, whose brands also include Purina dog food, Maggi bouillon cubes, Gerber baby food and Nesquik chocolate-flavoured drinks.

Nestle shares closed up 0.13 percent at 75.49 Swiss francs on the Swiss stock exchange.

– Net profits –

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In late July, Nestle reported a 10.3-percent drop in first half profits as it struggled to turn around its fortunes amid sluggish consumer spending in China, even as it passed on higher cocoa and coffee prices to consumers.

New chief executive Navratil had been an executive vice-president at Nestle, which is headquartered in Vevey on Lake Geneva.

READ ALSO:Nigerian Grandmother Sacked By UK Varsity Over Misplaced Bracelet

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The board is confident that he will drive our growth plans forward and accelerate efficiency efforts. We are not changing course on strategy and we will not lose pace on performance,” insisted chairman Bulcke.

Navratil started his career with Nestle in 2001 and took on various roles in Central America, leading the coffee and beverage business in Mexico from 2013 to 2020, when he took over responsibility for global strategy and innovation for the Nescafe and Starbucks brands.

He became chief executive of the Nespresso brand in July last year and joined the company board in January 2025.

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I fully embrace the company’s strategic direction, as well as the action plan in place to drive Nestle’s performance,” said Navratil, pledging to “drive the value creation plan with intensity.”

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VIDEO: Motorists Stranded As Bridge Fails On Lagos-Benin Expressway

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Motorists and passengers were stranded for hours after a truck fell near a failed portion of a bridge along the Isoko axis of the Lagos-Benin Expressway, exposing the river beneath and rendering the route impassable.

A viral video from the scene showed queues of trapped vehicles as frustrated road users called on the Minister of Works, David Umahi, to urgently repair the dilapidated sections of the highway.

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One stranded passenger, who was filmed in the video, lamented that the incident left commuters stuck for over two hours, halting both vehicular movement and the flow of goods.

He said, “I’m currently standing on the Benin-Lagos Expressway, and where we are now is Isoko Camp. This is a bridge, a very short bridge, and this message is to the Minister of Works, Dave Umahi, the one who is building a road from Lagos-Calabar Highway, the road to nowhere. This place is currently shut down.

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This truck fell here, and there’s no way. Look at this place. Vehicles are blocked. Look this way, everywhere packed up.”

The visibly frustrated commuter revealed the deteriorating state of the bridge, pointing to exposed sections above the river, which he described as a threat to lives and businesses.

He criticised the Federal Government’s focus on the Lagos-Calabar Coastal Highway project, accusing Umahi of neglecting critical economic routes such as the Lagos-Benin Expressway.

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This is an expressway, and we have a minister. This is the Lagos-Benin Expressway yet, our minister, dey do Lagos – Calabar Highway,” he said.

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This is what we have. Do you know how many people pass here? As I’m speaking to you now, if you look up, trailer. If you know the number of trailers that are here and are trapped, it means the economy of Nigeria is affected. Because the number of goods and services has been shut down. Everywhere is shut down.

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“This road now, everywhere is at standstill. This vehicle is even lucky that it didn’t fall into the water. And we have a Minister of Works wasting money, saying Calabar Expressway.”

He further argued that the Lagos-Benin Expressway carries more economic importance than the Lagos-Calabar Highway, urging the minister to prioritise repairs.

READ ALSO:Early Morning Accident Claims Eight Lives, Injures Eight Others In Lagos

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He said, “Mr. Minister, let me educate you. If you have a small economic sense, you will know that this road alone is affecting Nigeria’s economy. But that Calabar Expressway, it’s not affecting anybody. If you go there now, you won’t see vehicles parked lined up there. The only place where you will see vehicles lined up is on this road. So if the Minister has more direction, he will go and fix this road.

“I see when they say they need more money, they are borrowing more money to put in the road we don’t use. Then the one we use is abandoned. So please, those who are close to the Minister, talk to him. We are stranded here now. We have been here for over two hours now, and nothing is moving.”

The video has gained the attention of concerned citizens on social media, some of whom describe the road as a “death trap” and joined in calling for quick intervention on the road.

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Watch video below:

https://x.com/MobilePunch/status/1962577345832714466?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1962577345832714466%7Ctwgr%5Edf307ccd0eb71fe84e2d24b726307513398112b3%7Ctwcon%5Es1_c10&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fpunchng.com%2Fvideo-motorists-stranded-as-bridge-fails-on-lagos-benin-expressway%2F

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Bauchi Govt Inaugurates Pastors, Imams Peace Building Committee

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Gov. Bala Mohammed of Bauchi state has inaugurated a 32- member Pastors/Imams peace building Committee to promote peaceful coexistence in Bogoro and Tafawa Balewa Local Government Areas of the state.

Speaking during the inauguration ceremony on Monday, the governor said the move was necessitated by the need for the government to consolidate on the peace it had built and sustained over the last six years.

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According to him, this peaceful coexistence had recently been threatened by the actions of unpatriotic elements within the state who didn’t wish the state well and were bent on hiding under the cover of farmer-herder clashes to taint the gains Bauchi has made so far.

While acknowledging that minor incidences are common, especially during the farming season, Mohammed said that the dimension of the recent threats in the areas was indicative of a deliberate attempt to cause disharmony.

READ ALSO: NSE Pledges To Mentor Young Engineers, Elects New EXCO Members In Bauchi

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He said it was to also portray the state in bad face in order to sully the recognition it had attained as one of the most peaceful states in not just the Northeast sub-region but in the country at large.

We will not allow our hard earned peaceful coexistence to be truncated by the special grace of Allah. We have invested massively over the last six years in security and peace building measures and mechanisms.

“I will not allow anyone, no matter how highly placed, to scuttle the serenity and harmony that we have attained upon which our development and growth lies. I will deal decisively with all shenanigans fueling this crisis.

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“I want to assure the citizens of the state that we are working very hard and continuously with the security agencies to contain every situation around the state”, he said.

READ ALSO: Bauchi Refutes Allegations Of Poor Educational Project Execution

The governor said the committee is to embark on religious, sensitisation to promote peaceful coexistence and encourage inter-group communication.

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He said they are to also mediate disputes and foster dialogue between different groups where necessary, act as bridges by leading initiatives for inter-faith dialogue and understanding.

Mohammed added that they are to utilize their religious institutions to provide the platforms for community engagement and mobilisation of people towards peace building efforts, influencing attitude and behaviors.

The committee, the governor said, is to leverage on the teachings of religious sacred texts to inspire others to embrace the values of love, forgiveness, eschew hatred and violence.

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READ ALSO: Bauchi Govt Gifts N2.6m To 5 Elders For Selfless Service

Responding, Rev. Benson Bature and Imam Faidu Musa, Chairmen, Council of Imams and Pastors of the two LGAs who are the co-Chairs of the committee vowed to discharge their assigned duties even if they would have to pay with their lives.

They said they knew the miscreants were being pushed by some people that didn’t want peace to reign in the two LGAs, pledging to fish them out and hand them over to the authorities.

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According to them, this would be done in no distant time as the religious leaders were working in unison, adding that even if a member of the committee is found culpable, he would be handed over to the authorities.

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