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The Crowning Of Shekau

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Tunde Odesola

It’s 2:30am but she lays wide awake in bed. Her disturbed mind, with the measured precision of an expert blacksmith, tongs each issue troubling her mind on the anvil and sets the hammer to work, forging shapes into metals, burnishing hope into a grave polity. I-Sha needs to quickly find an elixir to the two ailments plaguing her husband – deafness to reason and numbness to reality.

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The thoughts came pouring down her soul like snowflakes in winter – white, feathery and beautiful yet icy, bone-freezing and deadly. She gently turns on her side, pulls the succulent duvet under her chin and lolls up on the kingsize bed, glancing at her husband sitting on the chair by the lamp.

She looks at the lion she married several years ago and sadness fills her heart. In place of the lion, a cat she sees. Though still slim and suave, the bouncy confidence has departed the gait of the man she adored. Boo, as she fondly calls him, was efficient when he donned the green khaki – only needing to open his mouth, and a horde of subordinates would fall over themselves in submissive obedience to his command. But this democracy babariga is too large and too complicated for Boo to wear. With his gangly frame, he always seems lost in the billows of the parachute the agbada of democracy has turned into. In democracy, Boo seems like a whale stranded on seashore. In the military, the zombie structure masks his inadequacies.

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I-Sha: (She clears her throat) What’s going on, Your Excellency?

Boo: Menene, I-Sha?

I-Sha: What’s going on in your government? Don’t feign ignorance, you know what I’m talking about, Your Excellency.

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Boo: It’s midnight; you need to be in bed, sleeping.

I-Sha: I’m in bed. I’ll sleep when you put my mind at rest.

Boo: Picks his teeth.

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I-Sha: You see, that’s what I’m saying; it’s about 3am and you’re picking your teeth. You ate at 8pm, you’re picking your teeth at 3am! Whenever there’s an urgent issue, you pick your teeth.

Boo: I-Sha, picking my teeth is a strategy.

I-Sha: Strategy?

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Boo: Yes, and an art of war.

I-Sha: Art of war?

Boo: Haka ne! It masks the mind’s construction from the face.

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I-Sha: Mind’s construction?

Boo: Exactly!

I-Sha: So, you know the strategy and art of war, and Boko Haram has been feeding the flesh of your soldiers to the birds? You know how to mask the mind’s construction from the face, yet you can’t do anything without your rough-riding relative, Haba Kia, and the manipulative Mammon Dowrat, who have completely seized power from you.

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Boo: What do you mean?

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I-Sha: Who gives commands to your service chiefs? Who gives directives to ministers and heads of government agencies? Nigerians know who they voted for, but they’re amazed how another C-i-C emerged in Kia. They also know that Mammon is the voice on the throne. The masses are utterly disappointed in you, muji na. You deceitfully kept the promise of change to their ears and shattered it to their hope.

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Boo: (His phone rings, he picks it) That’s Mammon calling. He’s in my private room.

I-Sha: Mammon calling?

Boo: Yes.

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I-Sha: So?

Boo: I need to go and answer him or should I tell him to come into the bedroom?

I-Sha: (Exasperated, speaks in Hausa) Is it Mammon who should answer to you or you answer to Mammon?

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Boo: This is a democracy; everyone is equal.

He gets up and leaves the bedroom. Tears roll down I-Sha’s eyes.

Interlude
Both Dowrat and Kia greet as Boo steps into the private room.

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Boo: Why is everybody shouting your name all over the place, Kia?

Kia: (Chuckling) I don’t know, Your Excellency. I must be doing something great.

Boo: Even I-Sha won’t sleep; she’s worried. They say you and Mammon have taken over governance. Do these people know anything about devolution of power?

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Dowrat: Anyone can say whatever they like. An urgent matter of state brought us here, Your Excellency. It’s the coronavirus.

Boo: Oh yes, I heard that the coronavirus is now in Lagos. What’re you doing about it?

Dowrat: That’s why we’re here.

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Boo: Good. What’re you doing?

Dowrat: We need to embark on vaccination of cows against the dreaded disease before it leaves Lagos for the North. We need about N20bn for the exercise.

Boo: Coronavirus is a very deadly disease, Mammon! Will N20bn be enough?

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Kia: We’ll manage it and take N300m from the N386m earmarked for the treatment and prevention of the disease from being transmitted among humans.

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Boo: That’s ok; humans can talk, cows can’t.

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Kia: When I leave here, I’m going to look for a professor of virology and appoint him as the head of government’s intervention on coronavirus initiative for cows.

Boo: Will you appoint another professor of virology to oversee the remaining N86m earmarked for human vaccination, treatment and prevention?

Kia: The disease was discovered in Lagos, not Kaduna, Your Excellency. A primary healthcare officer will be ok for humans.

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Boo: You this boy, you’re very wise. I don’t know why everybody is shouting coronavirus! coronavirus! Kenya has suspended all flights from China, South Africa has evacuated her nationals from China.

Kia: People from the North don’t travel abroad, so we don’t need to evacuate anybody.

Boo: Even Ateekoo that I defeated is advising that I suspend flights from countries affected by coronavirus. What does that one know about governance?

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Dowrat: I wonder o, Your Excellency. His former boss from the rock city has gone mute after your re-election

Boo: You’ll soon begin to hear his voice when the new policy comes on stream.

Kia: Which of the lofty policies? Is it the one seeking southern land for herdsmen? Or the one seeking to criminalise resistance to herdsmen killings?

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Boo: No, it’s the bill seeking to crown Boko Haram leader, Shekau, the Shehu of Terrorism; grant amnesty to repentant Boko Haram members and allow them enjoy foreign education.

Kia: Haa! Those bills? They will just shout and keep quiet. When they refused to allow rugga and Boko Haram was killing them, they shouted and shouted and stopped. This one also, they’ll shout and keep quiet.

Boo: I like it that the bill emanated from the senate. If it was from Azo Roc, they would’ve, by now, been burning tyres on the streets.

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Kia: Don’t mind them, Your Excellency.

Boo: Have you spoken to Shekau?

Kia: Yes. He’s very happy. Particularly, he loves the policy that seeks to enlist his members into the army. He even expressed his desire to head the joint Army with its headquarters in Sambisa.

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Dowrat:Lofty as these policies are, we need to be wary of the western world; you know they like poking their noses into people’s affairs. They’ll make an issue out of the babies Boko Haram mistakenly threw into bonfires. They’ll listen to the false allegation that Boko Haram is a terrorist group that kills and rapes.

Boo: People don’t know that everything that has an advantage, has a disadvantage. Did Odion Ighalo not profit from the coronavirus outbreak in China? This is why I’m not going to worry myself banning flights, setting up quarantine centres or providing any support. What will be, wll be.

Dowrat: We should even thank God the disease was discovered in Lagos, like the Ebola case. The coronavirus would’ve been uncontrollable if it broke out in the North.

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Boo: I’ve said it; everything that has an advantage, has a disadvantage. They said I should sack service chiefs, I refused. If I had sacked them, would we be having this wonderful partnership with Boko Haram today?

I-Sha, who overheard all their conversation, looks through the door and shouts, “Takulahi!” meaning “Fear God!”

One of the men countered, “Allah ya halince ka!” meaning, “May God punish you!”, and he goes after I-Sha.

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Tunde Odesola is a seasoned journalist and a columnist with the Punch newspapers

Email: tundeodes2003@yahoo.com

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Eating Takeout Food Often May Increase Heart Disease Risk — Study

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Research suggests that higher takeout food consumption may increase a person’s risk of cardiovascular disease, like heart disease.

In a new study, published in Food Science & Nutrition, researchers said eating takeout food too often can influence systemic inflammation that underlies much cardiovascular disease.

The study of over eight thousand people in the 2009 to 2018 U.S. National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey (NHANES) found that those who eat greater amounts of takeout food are likely to have various elevated risk factors for heart disease.

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They were interviewed in their homes and also visited a mobile examination centre, where they recalled their food intake, received cardiometabolic health assessments, and had blood collected.

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Mammograms may predict heart disease risk in women — Study

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The researchers found a correlation between the amount of takeout food a person consumes and their likelihood of developing chronic low-level inflammation, a key driver of cardiovascular pathology.

Deaths from cardiovascular disease and the consumption of takeout foods are both on the rise, and while that does not prove a causal relationship, the study explores whether there is a connection between the two.

The study tracked degrees of systemic inflammation according to the Dietary Inflammatory Index (DII), a scale that quantifies the risk of inflammation related to the intake of specific dietary substances.

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The three major takeaways from the analysis included that a higher level of takeout food consumption corresponded to an unfavourable cardiometabolic profile consisting of lower HDL, as well as higher triglycerides, fasting glucose, serum insulin, and insulin resistance.

Jayne Morgan, MD, cardiologist and Vice President of Medical Affairs in a reaction, who was not involved in the study, explained that “Takeout food raises the cardiovascular risk not because of one ingredient, but because of a predictable combination of nutrients, additives, and preparation methods that adversely affect blood pressure, lipids, insulin sensitivity, inflammation, and endothelial function.”

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This includes excess sodium that increases blood volume and blood vessel stiffness, and unhealthy fats, usually saturated fats or trans fats, that increase cholesterol level and atherosclerosis, a condition that can lead to heart attack and stroke.”

Michelle Routhenstein, Preventive Cardiology Dietitian at Entirely Nourished, also not involved in this study, declared, “It is also important to recognise that frequent takeout use often reflects broader lifestyle pressures such as demanding schedules, limited access to cooking resources, irregular meals, and disrupted sleep, all of which can quietly compound cardiovascular risk.”

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How To Identify Fake Kiss Condoms In Circulation

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The National Agency for Food and Drug Administration and Control (NAFDAC) has recently warned Nigerians about the circulation of counterfeit Kiss brand condoms in major markets across the country.

Contents
Original DKT Kiss condoms
Fake Kiss condoms

In a public alert published on its website recently and referenced as Public Alert No. 042/2025, the agency said the warning followed information received from DKT International Nigeria, a non-governmental organisation involved in contraceptive social marketing and HIV/AIDS prevention.

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NAFDAC stated, “The National Agency for Food and Drug Administration and Control is notifying the public about the sale and distribution of fake Kiss condoms in various Nigerian markets.

“The information was received from the MAH-DKT International Nigeria, a leading non-governmental organisation focused on contraceptive social marketing. Its mission is to provide Nigerians with affordable and safe options for family planning and HIV/AIDS prevention.

“The fake Kiss condoms have been reported to be found in Onitsha Market, Idumota Market, Trade Fair Market, and various markets in Kano, Abuja, Uyo, Gombe, Enugu, and others.”

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Kiss condom is a brand of male latex condoms designed to offer sexual protection, including the prevention of unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections such as HIV, gonorrhoea and syphilis.

To help consumers avoid counterfeit products, NAFDAC outlined key differences between original and fake Kiss condoms.

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Original DKT Kiss condoms
The original product comes in a light red box pack with clear instructions printed on the lower part of the pack, including single-use warnings and storage and caution information. The box contains detailed medical device information, including MDSS GmbH, Germany, and a complete Nigerian address at Isolo Industrial Layout, Oshodi-Apapa Expressway.

The condom pack is light red, with the word “Kiss” closely written on six lines. The wallet outer pack is lighter red, carries the Oshodi-Apapa address, manufacturer details, and a clear product description beside the condom image. The hidden flap includes revision dates, medical device details, and caution information, while the wallet inner contains detailed instructions and eight bullet points under important notes.

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The original condom is large, oval-shaped, well-lubricated, and has a large teat end for semen collection.

Fake Kiss condoms
In contrast, fake Kiss condoms come in darker-coloured box packs with little or no additional information. Some boxes are plain white inside and lack condom images. The address is wrongly listed as 42, Montgomery Road, Yaba, Lagos, while the manufacturer’s address is incomplete or missing. Storage and caution information is absent.

The condom pack is darker, with “Kiss” loosely written on five lines and wide spacing. The condom strip is longer than the original. The wallet outer pack is also darker red, carries incorrect or missing addresses, lacks colour wave designs, and shows inconsistencies in barcode lines. Medical device and caution information are missing, and the hidden flap contains no details.

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Inside the wallet, information is summarised with only six bullet points. The fake condom is thinner, round-shaped, less lubricated, and has a smaller teat end.
(TRIBUNE)

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Lagos: Police Arrest 14 Suspected Traffic Robbers On Lekki-Epe Expressway

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Fourteen persons suspected to be involved in traffic-related robbery have been arrested at various points along the Lekki-Epe Expressway in Lagos over the past two weeks.

The arrests were confirmed on Tuesday by the Lagos State Police Command spokesperson, SP Abimbola Adebisi, via a post on her official X handle, @AbimbolaShotayo.

According to her, operatives of the Command’s Tactical Squad based in Elemoro carried out the operations that led to the suspects’ apprehension.

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She explained that the arrests followed sustained patrols and intelligence-driven operations aimed at curbing criminal activities associated with traffic congestion and improving the safety of motorists and other road users along the busy corridor.

Adebisi noted that the development reflects the Command’s determination to strengthen security and uphold law and order on the Lekki-Epe axis, adding that the Tactical Squad has continued to proactively identify crime-prone areas and respond swiftly to threats posed by criminal elements.

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She called on residents and commuters to support police efforts by providing timely and credible information that could assist in preventing and detecting crime.

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Security is a shared responsibility. Members of the public are encouraged to stay alert and promptly report any suspicious movements or activities to the nearest police station,” she said.

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The police spokesperson further reassured residents and road users of the Command’s commitment to maintaining aggressive patrols and security operations to protect lives and property in the area.

She reiterated the Command’s community policing message, “See Something, Say Something,” stressing the importance of cooperation between the police and the public in sustaining peace and security.

 

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