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OPINION: Britain Is Nigeria’s ‘Bad’ Teacher

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By Lasisi Olagunju

Number 10, Downing Street has been home to Britain’s prime ministers since 1735 AD. Why would a hugely popular new prime minister move into a 289-year-old mansion without spending good pounds on it to buff it up to today’s taste? Keir Starmer, the new British prime minister, moved into that official residence soon after he was appointed last Friday. There was neither a renovation of the building nor a sanctification of the rooms by clerics and priests. Red candles, white tapers were not lit; neither was turari (incense) assigned a role.

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“I’ll teach you differences,” Shakespeare wrote in King Lear. He also wrote about “sweet fool” and “bitter fool” and how they are not the same. Britain used the last election to teach us the difference between good and bad; sanity and madness. The British held their elections on Thursday, declaring neither a public holiday nor a restriction of movements. Schools opened, businesses flourished, votes were cast and counted, results were announced without shots fired and machetes wielded. There was no election tribunal, no lawyer to hire and no judge to bribe. Those who lost simply agreed they lost, offered thanks for past favours and apologies for failing their people. Wearing regrets as lapels, the defeated went quietly into the night counting their loss under the dim light of their mourning moon.

You would think that the British who always hailed the way we elected our leaders would copy our ways. This past weekend, the teacher didn’t do the nonsense they taught their students. Their dog refused to follow our monkey to do what locusts do to grain farms. They chose those they wanted as leaders without our usual fireworks and water cannons. For the winner, it was straight from the polling booth to the Government House; there was no interlude, no respite, no recess. There was even no transition committee; neither was there a budget for new furniture and new cars for the prime minister’s family. The Prime Minister took over almost immediately after the sun set for the man whose party lost in spectacular detail. Ministers were appointed the same day and portfolios assigned them on the spot, leaving us to wonder why the haste. We didn’t hear of the parliament grilling the appointees and asking them to sing ‘God save the King’ – their national anthem. Was the head of government even sworn in? Who did?

There is nothing they do in the husband’s bedroom that does not happen in the concubine’s bedchamber. We have rats here that eat vital documents and get presidents sick. The British have over there too. But the PM’s residence in London has a simple solution to the problem: a mouser, a celebrity cat is in firm control of the rodent issues there. The cat’s name is Larry; for the past 13 years, it has been helping heads of government in that country to fix what our cowardly presidents run away from here. We’ve not heard that Labour’s Starmer aims at sacking the cat from the residence because the conservatives took it there.

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Since his appointment on Friday last week, Starmer, with his family, has settled in properly in 10 Downing Street.

Our own President Muhammadu Buhari moved into our Presidential Villa late in June 2015 – three weeks after he was sworn in. The old man needed to be sure that the residence was properly fumigated of the sacked party and be rid of rodents and cockroaches – visible and invisible. Despite all his carefulness, impudent rats still ran the ramrod General out of the building and out of the country. He was away in London for months suffering from what could be anything. He came back and, again, got run out of the office part of the building by the same rats. We forget things here. Seven years ago (August 2017), one of Buhari’s spokespersons announced (with uncommon sensation) that rodents had damaged furniture and air conditioning fittings in the president’s “official” office while he was in London receiving treatment. The gentleman said our leader wouldn’t, therefore, be seen working in the president’s office until the damage was undone. And that was it. The big boss stayed off work until the rats accepted his sacrifice and said he should come in.

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In his own case, President Bola Tinubu has been more attentive to details. The Yoruba man is well acquainted with the functional relationship between the rolling eyes of the crab and its delicate head. He was sworn in on May 29, 2023, made a rash of careless policy pronouncements but was careful about where he would be accommodated. Unlike Starmer who rushed into the PM’s mansion like a hungry cat, Tinubu rushed nothing and overlooked nothing. Sixty-three days after he took over power, a reluctant Tinubu gingerly detoured into a villa building called the Glass House on Sunday, July 31, 2023. It was there he hibernated until the main residence begged him to come and occupy it. Perhaps because he is the Capone, we have not heard stories about ratty encounters in the nation’s most secure edifice.

In his inaugural speech, Starmer spoke of “the gap between the sacrifices made by the people” and “the service they receive from politicians.” He said when this grew “big,” the heart of the nation became infested with “weariness”. He spoke about that and about the “draining away of the hope, the spirit, the belief in a better future.” That is today’s Nigeria. To hope here is to be stupid – if not downright silly. Starmer could be speaking about this Nigeria where those who preach sacrifice overeat and belch, and the people hunger and yawn.

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‘Equal distribution of pain’ is the title of a piece written by good old Nosa Igiebor in the January 13, 1986 issue of Newswatch magazine. It was his panting analysis of the 1986 budget of this country which required “Nigerians to live with less of everything.” Today is a degeneration of what was bad with us yesterday. Here, now, we not only roll in the mud of a regime of unequal distribution of pain; we are daily left to live with less of nothing.

A very senior professor sent to me a text two weeks ago: “Olagunju, I was granted permanent residency in the US in 2017. I have not taken it up. Most of my friends and colleagues believe I’m stupid. I keep hoping against hope that things cannot get worse here. I had my first offer of appointment after PhD in the UK in 1988. I declined because I didn’t apply. My supervisor was asked to source for a good candidate. He called me and told me of the offer. It was a guaranteed position. Instead, I chose to return to Nigeria. My friend, an Englishman who is now a professor at … University told me I was making a mistake returning to Nigeria. I said he was wrong. I did not realise he is the grandson of Nostradamus.” My prof is not the only one who now agrees that things can always get worse here.

The parliament is supreme in the United Kingdom; in Nigeria, the president is the supremo before whom nothing existed and after whom nothing will. The heroes of the past didn’t bargain for this when they were fighting for independence for Nigeria and for democracy. We lost it, and it is sad. How easy is it now for our leper to pick up his slipped needle? (The Yoruba say abéré bó l’ówó adétè, ó d’ète). The British gave us a system designed to make it easy for us to live in peace, punish insults and reward good behaviour. They gave us a constitutional arrangement which allowed us to engage and to throw out our husbands when they went mad. We messed it up within five years of independence. In 1979, after 13 years in the wilderness of the military, we went for the most expensive of the systems in the books – presidential democracy. It may have worked in all other places, but, here, it has steadily evolved into a most fiendish monarchy – a kábíyèsí system where the legislature and the judiciary are the king’s phlegm eaters.

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In the opening lines of his ‘Two Thousand Seasons’, Ghanaian writer, Ayi Kwei Armah, warns our spring water to stop “flowing to the desert.” He says “there is no regeneration” where it flows. It is there in the Bible (and in the Quran) that the Lord restored Job’s fortunes only after he changed his course and did as he ought to do. “In fact, the Lord gave him twice as much as before” – Job: 42:10. The afflicted got reprieve because he cooperated with his Maker. Here, we cling to what will never work and pray for increased blessings. When we talk about restructuring of Nigeria, it is because we want Nigeria to regain what it lost to unitary presidentialism. We saw how simple the UK elections were last week. There was no movement of ballots across constituencies. The man who emerged as prime minister contested for votes only in his Holborn and St Pancras constituency. It was exactly like that with the December 1959 election which ushered us into independence in 1960. Prime Minister Abubakar Tafawa Balewa did not have to break the bank to contest that election. His constituency was his Tafawa Balewa locality.

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For 99 years (1861 – 1960), the British were officially here working hard on their broth of strange ingredients. With the magical deft and expertise of the enchanter, they came up with an arrangement that should work for the happiness of all. They gave each region a constitution and the country itself a super constitution. And, so, Nigeria started on a note of globally expressed optimism. At the British House of Lords on Thursday 28 July, 1960, while debating the bill that granted Nigeria independence, the then Earl of Swinton said “Nigeria has proved how diverse peoples can combine in successful union while maintaining their own individuality.” Indeed, the whole House – and the other one, the House of Commons – hailed our negotiated federalism and expressed confidence in our commitment to constitutional parliamentary democracy.

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But, in less than six quick years of that constitutional arrangement, we tore it and plunged ourselves down beyond ground zero. Today, the country is centralized – unitarized – and atrophied. The central government owns and controls everything with an imperial presidency summoning governors to its presence for daily obeisance.

“It is easy to go down into Hell,” Virgil, Roman poet (70 BC – 19 BC), warned. He added that “night and day, the gates of dark Death stand wide; but to climb back again, to retrace one’s steps to the upper air – there’s the rub, the task.” We have a very complex structural issue which we have not managed well. We continually subvert our federalism because it is suicidally sweet to do so. But how long will the leaky titanic remain afloat? The way to regeneration is for our river to stop flowing towards the desert of unitarism. Nigeria is not irredeemable if it chooses redemption. Britain has as much complicated structure; but it is a delicate balance well managed. We read of a kingdom of four countries – England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland – and the kingdom is paradoxically a working democracy. We saw it last week.

Will democracy ever work for Nigeria? Or, will Nigeria ever allow democracy to work for Nigerians? Multi-genre performer, Tar Ukoh, was engaged at the Eagle Square in Abuja on 29 May, 1999 for the inauguration of President Olusegun Obasanjo. Everyone around him exuded joy at the dawn of that new day. They were sure the exit of the military after so many years meant the good times had come. Tar Ukoh was asked by The New York Times how he felt about Nigeria’s brand new democracy. He cautiously told the American newspaper that he feared that the joy of that moment might be misplaced or short lived. The New York Times still has the report of that encounter on its website. The man said: “I hope this event is not a re-awakening of illusions of freedom, or a Eureka, like we had during independence in my youth.” Tar Ukoh, who was 46 years old at that time, concluded that “having returned to civilian rule, we now have to fight for democracy.” Nothing can be truer than his fears and his conclusion. The “fight for democracy” entered its 25th year this year. It is still on. But, the battle will be lost unless we ‘borrow’ ourselves sense and go back to “the way.”

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Fake Labubu Dolls Worth Millions Seized In London Raid Amid Growing Safety Fears

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Thousands of fake Labubu dolls believed to be worth millions of pounds have been seized at an industrial estate on the outskirts of London following a major crackdown led by Trading Standards and law enforcement agencies.

The operation, which followed weeks of investigation, traced the fake merchandise from a corner shop in Swansea, south Wales, to a warehouse complex in London.

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Officers discovered rooms stacked floor-to-ceiling with fake goods, but it was the imitation Labubu dolls at the centre of a viral TikTok craze that drew the most concern.

The dolls, produced by popular toy company Pop Mart, have surged in global demand, with some genuine pieces retailing for up to £80. The popularity of the brand helped the company double its revenue to £1.33 billion last year, according to Forbes. However, authorities say the boom has also attracted criminal enterprises looking to profit from the trend through counterfeit production.

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“The head comes off. The feet pull off. The eyes aren’t glued in,” said Rhys Harries, a Trading Standards officer, while examining one of the seized dolls. “These are clear choking hazards.”

Using a plastic tool modelled after a child’s throat, Harries demonstrated how easily parts of the fake dolls could become life-threatening. “These parts would get stuck and potentially cause choking,” he warned.

The scale of the operation was alarming. Border Force officials say they have intercepted hundreds of thousands of fake Labubu dolls at UK ports in recent months, with many traced back to manufacturers in China, Hong Kong, and Turkey.

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In one case, a mother from Caerphilly, Jade, recounted how fake Labubu dolls she bought for her six-year-old son Harri’s birthday began falling apart within hours. “The hook came off and ended up in his mouth,” she said. “Luckily he was old enough to spit it out and tell me.”

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Despite knowing the dolls were fakes, Jade said she bought them due to the high cost of the original ones and peer pressure from other children. She got the knock-offs for just over £10 each.

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Authorities say the rush to cash in on the craze has led to the use of substandard and potentially dangerous materials, including toxic plastics. Kate Caffery, deputy director of intelligence and law enforcement at the UK’s Intellectual Property Office, said counterfeiting is the second most lucrative source of criminal income worldwide, after drug trafficking.

“There’s a complete disregard for safety,” Caffery said. “They’re made from anything from the inferior to the outright dangerous.”

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TikTok collector and plush toy enthusiast Meg Goldberger, 27, said she struggled to find genuine dolls due to scalpers bulk-buying authentic stock and reselling them at inflated prices. “They sell out in seconds,” she said. “Some resellers are using bots to buy hundreds at once.”

Investigators found invoice books showing the dolls were destined for locations across the UK. Some of the seized dolls will be used as evidence, while the rest will be stored in a secure location before being recycled or destroyed.

Pop Mart has been contacted for comment on the counterfeit issue, which authorities say is now a national concern.

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Young Catholics Converge On Rome For Pope Leo’s Vigil

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Thousands of young Catholics began assembling Saturday for an evening prayer vigil led by Pope Leo XIV, the culmination of a week-long pilgrimage and a key event in the Jubilee holy year that is expected to draw up to a million people.

The “Jubilee of Youth” — when the Vatican invites Catholics aged 18 to 35 to the seat of the global Church’s power — has seen young pilgrims from around the world flood Rome, waving flags, singing or praying in groups.

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It comes nearly three months after Leo, 69, the first American pontiff, began his papacy, and 25 years after the last such massive youth gathering in Rome under Poland’s Pope John Paul II.

On Saturday morning, thousands of young pilgrims had already gathered at the vast open space in Rome’s eastern Tor Vergata neighbourhood where the pope will lead the vigil, the ground already dotted with blankets and mattresses.

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Elsewhere in the Eternal City, numerous groups of young people were seen preparing to set off for the venue.

On the plaza outside the Basilica of St John Lateran, they filled water bottles, applied suncream and checked bags of food and snacks — ready to spend the next 24 hours surrounded by a swarm of people and then sleep under the stars.

Victoria Perez, who carried a Spanish flag, could not contain her excitement at seeing “the Pope up close.

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It’s the first time I’m going to see him, and I can’t wait,” the 21-year-old told AFP, excited to experience the “night of prayers under the stars”.

French pilgrim, Quentin Remaury, 26, said he had been inspired by the late Pope Francis’s rousing message to youth during a 2016 visit to Krakow, Poland.

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Pope Francis told us to ‘get off your couches,’ and that really gave me a boost,” he said.

– ‘What is his message?’ –

Since the youth jubilee began on Monday, attendees have participated in various Church-planned events throughout the city.

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On Friday, approximately 1,000 priests were on hand to take confession at Circus Maximus, one of Rome’s top tourist spots.

Some 200 white gazebos lined the hippodrome where chariot races were once held, and youths lined up to speak to priests in 10 different languages.

Of the many languages heard on the streets of the Italian capital this week, Spanish seemed to dominate. The Vatican has said that more than 146 countries were represented, and it expects up to a million people to attend the vigil.

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The pilgrimage is taking place as economic uncertainty and anxiety over climate change rise among the under-30s, with many saying they were curious to hear the Church’s position on global warming, wars and economic inequalities.

Samarei Semos, 29, said she had travelled three days from her native Belize to get to Rome.

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“We are still trying to understand his leadership,” she said of the new pope, adding she hoped he would have a strong say about “third world countries”.

As Parisian student Alice Berry exclaimed, “What does he have to say to us? What is his message for young people?”

– Raising voices –

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The youth pilgrimage also comes amid global alarm over the humanitarian situation in Gaza, and more than three years of war in Ukraine.

READ ALSO:Pope Leo XIV Outlines A Path For A Modern Church That Follows Francis’ Steps

The Vatican has praised young Catholics who managed to travel to Rome from war-scarred countries, with Pope Leo saying the voices of the world’s youth “will be heard to the end of the earth”.

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In an unprecedented move, Leo hosted a mass on Tuesday for Catholic social media influencers, signalling the Vatican’s openness to supporting the Internet-savvy youth.

More than 4,300 volunteers will be working the event to welcome the young pilgrims, along with over 1,000 police, according to organisers.

Roman authorities have tightened security in the city — which has seen an unprecedented number of people, with both tourists and pilgrims inundating the city.

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Ukrainian Drone Strikes Kill Three In Russia

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Ukrainian drone strikes killed three people and wounded two others overnight in western Russia, regional governors said on Saturday.

One woman was killed and two other people were wounded in an attack on an enterprise in Penza, the region’s governor, Oleg Melnichenko, wrote on Telegram.

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An elderly man was killed inside a house that caught fire due to falling drone debris in the Samara region, Governor Vyacheslav Fedorishchev posted on Telegram.

In the Rostov region, a guard at an industrial facility was killed after a drone attack and a fire in one of the site’s buildings, acting Rostov governor Yuri Sliusar said.

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The military repelled a massive air attack during the night,” destroying drones over seven districts, Sliusar posted on Telegram.

Russia’s defence ministry said its air defence systems had destroyed 112 Ukrainian drones over Russian territory — 34 over the Rostov region — in a nearly nine-hour period, from Friday night to Saturday morning.

In Ukraine’s central-eastern Dnipropetrovsk region, overnight Russian drone attacks left three people wounded, governor Sergiy Lysak wrote on Telegram.

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Several buildings, homes and cars were damaged, he said.

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Russian forces have claimed advances in Dnipropetrovsk, recently announcing the capture of two villages there, part of Moscow’s accelerated capture of territory in July, according to AFP’s analysis of data from the US-based Institute for the Study of War.

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Kyiv denies any Russian presence in the Dnipropetrovsk area.

Russian President Vladimir Putin, who has consistently rejected calls for a ceasefire in the more than three-year conflict, said Friday that he wanted peace but that his demands for ending Moscow’s military offensive were “unchanged”.

Those demands include that Ukraine abandon territory and end ambitions to join NATO.

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Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, meanwhile, said only Putin could end the war and renewed his call for a meeting between the two leaders.

“The United States has proposed this. Ukraine has supported it. What is needed is Russia’s readiness,” he wrote on X.

AFP

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